tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59655608490070213992024-02-06T23:13:34.772-07:00Knights of Mars Round Table"I dub thee Sir Phobos, Knight of Mars, beater of ass. Be a hitter, babe."Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-35518690734692510092013-05-02T20:51:00.000-06:002013-05-02T20:51:10.482-06:00I'm Packing Up and Moving to Wordpress. Shots on the House!<br />
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So, yea. The title of this post is pretty self-explanatory, so there you have it.<br />
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http://www.knightsofmarsroundtable.wordpress.com<br />
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The site's actually been active for a few weeks, but I only now realized I should probably let everyone who checks here know what's going on. Come join the fun at the new digs! I promise even more celebratory shots*.<br />
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You'll have a good time. Trust me. See you there!<br />
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*Only if you come to Denver and go bar hopping with me.<br />
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<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-73621986286526975952013-04-10T19:27:00.000-06:002013-04-10T20:10:10.806-06:00Happy Birthday Steven Seagal<br />
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It's easy nowadays to equate Steven Seagal with the words "douche" and "washed-up." But for a while there, he was a certified bad ass of action cinema. So, since it's his 61st birthday today (and I barely realized this in time), I'll just go ahead and give a small tribute to him on my blog alter and hope he one day answers my prayers by making me capable of knocking a man's teeth out with a pool ball wrapped in a sock.<br />
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<i>Fire Down Below</i> is the last Seagal movie I genuinely enjoyed. Not because it's a truly good movie, but because a lot of the scenes and dialogue are hilariously bizarre. Take, for instance, how the clip I'm about to show you begins, with Seagal pronouncing to a bunch of thugs "I was just taking a little Sunday stroll, I guess maybe it's not Sunday"; the brilliant retort being "You picked a fine time to take a walk in our marijuana field." If that's not entertainment, well, maybe the rest of the clip of him punching hicks in their huge belt buckles will be. <i>After Fire Down Below</i>, he did <i>The Patriot</i> and <i>Exit Wounds</i>, and thus began his slide into DTV. Still, I'll always have fond memories of him from the late '80s and '90s, and this movie puts a smile on my face every time.<br />
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<b>"You could be an English teacher, probably, except you don't understand plain English, do you?"</b></div>
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Bonus: The entire movie is on YouTube. Enjoy (or don't).<br />
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<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-2646723747363893552013-04-01T10:00:00.000-06:002013-04-01T10:00:03.325-06:00That, Sir, is Impressive - Jiro Dreams of Sushi (2011)<br />
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I think if everyone had at least half of the dedication and understanding of Jiro Ono, the world would be a lot better off. Mastering the art of preparing sushi since around the age of 10, Jiro has built himself quite a reputation. If you want to eat as his restaurant, you have to make a reservation a month in advance and be prepared to pay - at minimum - $300 per person. I might agree that the price is a little steep, but after watching <i>Jiro Dreams of Sushi</i>, I might also one day find myself forking over whatever the going rate is to see what 75 years of single-minded focus tastes like.<br />
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The documentary focuses on Jiro and his restaurant, where he apprentices several people including his sons. His eldest, Yoshikazu, stands to run the restaurant when Jiro retires. When I first started watching this, I found it a little creepy that Jiro just stands there and stares at you while you eat his food. But after getting to know him and his philosophy a little better, I've come to understand that he's just a very matter-of-fact kind of guy. He made this sushi for you. Eat it.<br />
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<b>Imagine him doing this every time you make sushi</b></div>
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After all, over the past several decades, Jiro has figured out the exact right temperature to serve sushi at. He doesn't screw around with appetizers or any of that crap, either - just sushi. Watching him and his sons craft what can only be the world's most perfect anago seems worth the insane price of admission. It's not mentioned in the film, but I'm pretty sure people without the funds to dine at his establishment either sell their elderly relatives or whore themselves out for months at a time. I'm fine with one of those scenarios, but I won't tell you which one.<br />
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The film delves a little bit into the process, as it follows Yoshikazu at the fish market, buying only the best ingredients. If the food is $300 in the restaurant, I can only imagine what they're paying at the vendors. There are also sections here and there that dig into Jiro's life, and they're equally as interesting as anything else. At one point, Jiro admits he wasn't as good a father as he could have been, but I guess he's okay with that. His sons seem to have enormous respect for him, and they have no problem continuing the family business, so maybe he's just being a little too hard on himself. I can see his dedication getting in the way of his family, but if it means I get to eat perfection at least once, then he can go ahead and ignore as many children in their pivotal bonding years as he sees fit.<br />
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<b> They all seem fine to me</b></div>
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As for Jiro himself, for all his talk of hard work and focusing your life on a single task, he comes off as a sweet, old man. All joking aside, the family dynamics don't look broken to me at all. All that time in the kitchen together probably makes up for the formative years when he worked too much. On the narrative side of things, this kind of insight elevates the portrait to something above and beyond what it could have been. It not only shows what it's like behind the scenes of a restaurant people literally <i>travel to Japan just to eat at</i>, but it also humanizes - in a very sympathetic way - someone considered a legend in his field<br />
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<b>It also humanizes my lustful hunger for salt water eel</b></div>
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<i>Jiro Dreams of Sushi</i> is just like its subject matter; it's very single-minded. So, if you're not that into sushi, Japanese culture, or 85-year-old men talking about putting more pressure on the rice than his competitors, this is probably going to be one giant snooze-fest for you. That's too bad, but it is what it is. For the rest of you who are interested in this sort of thing, it's a fascinating look at perhaps one of the last true masters of this particular art. I can't imagine anyone of the mind to watch this coming away anything less than satisfied.<br />
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<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-7076088129066082102013-03-29T10:00:00.000-06:002013-03-29T10:00:06.174-06:00Just in Time for the WeekendAfter taking about a month-and-a-half off from writing jack shit due to my daughter(!) being born, I return to bring you this video. It's pretty cool because 1) Bradley Cooper is asking the question, and he later becomes a guest of the show, and 2) Sean Penn makes no god damn sense. Enjoy.<br />
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Happy Friday!Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-87723076892495452252013-03-28T16:58:00.001-06:002013-04-10T19:30:36.944-06:00Blogathon: Movie Jail Relay Race<br />
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<a href="https://twitter.com/DarrylMendo" target="_blank">Darryl</a> from <a href="http://morallyoblogatory.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Morally Oblogatory</a> has kindly passed the Movie Jail baton to me, and I can't tell you how excited I am to prosecute the sad sack of flesh you'll see below. But before I get to that, you should know that the <a href="http://www.myfilmviews.com/2012/11/28/movie-jail-relay-race/" target="_blank">Movie Jail Relay Race</a> was started by <a href="https://twitter.com/Myfilmviews" target="_blank">Nostra</a> from <a href="http://www.myfilmviews.com/" target="_blank">My Filmviews</a> & <a href="http://thefocusedfilmographer.com/" target="_blank">The Focused Filmographer</a>. The official rules are as such:<br />
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<i> ”It’s time to put some movie people in jail. The object
is to give a prosecutor’s argument as to why these movie people belong
in “Movie Jail” whether it be for violating the integrity of the content
source of one their films, or being a sell-out, just making bad movies
overall, getting worse as time goes on or not being in a good movie for
many years.</i></blockquote>
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<i>The baton will be passed to another blogger who will have to do the following:</i></blockquote>
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<i>In order to free someone from Movie Jail they have to do 2 things</i></blockquote>
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<i>1 – Give a defense attorney argument defending the plaintiff</i></blockquote>
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<blockquote>
<i>2 – Pay bail: the cost of which is another case for the court and a
prosecutor’s argument against the actor/director of their choice that
will replace the one set free.</i></blockquote>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote>
<i>There must always be 10 people in Movie Jail.”</i></blockquote>
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<b> The current inmates:</b><br />
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<b>Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer</b></div>
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<b>Raja Gosnell</b></div>
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<b>Katherine Heigl</b></div>
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<b>Shia Labeouf</b></div>
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<b>Eddie Murphy</b></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Kristen Stewart</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXAXguAHE23s5zMb1F5MJbVqsOuzVFMdKSUQhNwtU2MS1tjgIVQ59dgQyO1Aj9rTL-TYrolDro2w-qd3jDPF-RLVhEID5ppJvAQ0wnRk91ISTx8VXlxvI6XoYs0CDNVScnDq9yWczftggT/s1600/kstew_moviejail.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXAXguAHE23s5zMb1F5MJbVqsOuzVFMdKSUQhNwtU2MS1tjgIVQ59dgQyO1Aj9rTL-TYrolDro2w-qd3jDPF-RLVhEID5ppJvAQ0wnRk91ISTx8VXlxvI6XoYs0CDNVScnDq9yWczftggT/s1600/kstew_moviejail.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Jennifer Lopez</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNSXO4GcYv-yAIxKGibLlfncP6rmVUkc83oK1iRL9sjlBa1ozWDauGfi0LUtryYRGGmNFhQwxUBr-3XrYaOvrzDbF3wE_gL4Ziv0BuuoE5L6ahDUZZp9tL36U-a-NgMcev7NtJwy1WwOCq/s1600/jlojail2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNSXO4GcYv-yAIxKGibLlfncP6rmVUkc83oK1iRL9sjlBa1ozWDauGfi0LUtryYRGGmNFhQwxUBr-3XrYaOvrzDbF3wE_gL4Ziv0BuuoE5L6ahDUZZp9tL36U-a-NgMcev7NtJwy1WwOCq/s1600/jlojail2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Damon Lindelof</b></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYpAScn6NbPqRXfFqxPeXF1aYBOrmFtTtijjbvQ5jFZNQ4-SAEMyi5IzYgLiOFnRL9mc9GHDBIjiY23n2FCOxyiK2bZkeZ6GKJX1qRx9pb_pm0Mr8tWwi9C0BwQbDkm5jDgZLvtiu0wOyP/s1600/Lindelof.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYpAScn6NbPqRXfFqxPeXF1aYBOrmFtTtijjbvQ5jFZNQ4-SAEMyi5IzYgLiOFnRL9mc9GHDBIjiY23n2FCOxyiK2bZkeZ6GKJX1qRx9pb_pm0Mr8tWwi9C0BwQbDkm5jDgZLvtiu0wOyP/s1600/Lindelof.png" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Rueben Fleischer</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN7rUptBUkuEsWvenR4-79E5rgQ6jk7GjwrcM4aCEtLTQlaLz_1dlzxDTjnOy-fjGPl5gQeE-4zkPiTMJZPzCpp2kpToX9GUN3t9LE_EqNx8ap6BEexquYHE5MtoW0jaFrwv7hmIGOVZH8/s1600/ruben-fleischer2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN7rUptBUkuEsWvenR4-79E5rgQ6jk7GjwrcM4aCEtLTQlaLz_1dlzxDTjnOy-fjGPl5gQeE-4zkPiTMJZPzCpp2kpToX9GUN3t9LE_EqNx8ap6BEexquYHE5MtoW0jaFrwv7hmIGOVZH8/s1600/ruben-fleischer2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Bruce Willis</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoQ6JbYXx0H9r0hCobOvk9Yy14Ax_FpovCbALVUfOvfSEhUR_uWtnj0tiqkD1pH_LAHwzfb7rQGMefLPiJhnwAxfRSDGwA9ftCDXsukYznxtmozx-i_ioMIjdKcrxoKG2y5RXX9cF2FXJt/s1600/sincity.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoQ6JbYXx0H9r0hCobOvk9Yy14Ax_FpovCbALVUfOvfSEhUR_uWtnj0tiqkD1pH_LAHwzfb7rQGMefLPiJhnwAxfRSDGwA9ftCDXsukYznxtmozx-i_ioMIjdKcrxoKG2y5RXX9cF2FXJt/s1600/sincity.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<b>The Participants (so far):</b><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
1. <a href="http://www.myfilmviews.com/2012/11/28/movie-jail-relay-race/">My Filmviews</a> / <a href="http://thefocusedfilmographer.com/">The Focused Filmographer</a><br />
<br />
2. <a href="http://cinematiccorner.blogspot.com/2012/12/movie-jail-relay-race.html">Cinematic Corner</a><br />
<br />
3. <a href="http://www.andsoitbeginsfilms.com/2012/12/movie-jail-relay-race.html">And So It Begins…</a><br />
<br />
4. <a href="http://thevoid99.blogspot.in/2012/12/movie-jail-relay-race.html">Surrender to the Void</a><br />
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5. <a href="http://www.cinematicparadox.com/2013/01/movie-jail-relay-race.html">Cinematic Paradox</a><br />
<br />
6. <a href="http://classicblanca.blogspot.in/2013/01/movie-jail-relay-race.html">The Cinematic Spectacle</a><br />
<br />
7. <a href="http://beingnormajean.blogspot.com/2013/01/movie-jail-relay-race.html">Being Norma Jean</a><br />
<br />
8. <a href="http://movienut14.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/movie-jail-relay-race.html?showComment=1358133243483#c8976508111088394087">Defiant Success</a><br />
<br />
9. <a href="http://splendidandlovely.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/movie-jail-relay-race.html">…let’s be splendid about this</a><br />
<br />
10. <a href="http://limereviews.blogspot.ro/2013/01/movie-jail-relay-race.html">Lime Reviews and Strawberry Confessions</a><br />
<br />
11. <a href="http://azizaspicks.blogspot.com/2013/01/movie-jail-relay-race-lovely-mette-from.html">Aziza’s Picks</a><br />
<br />
12. <a href="http://flixchatter.net/2013/01/20/movie-jail-relay-race-12th-round/">Flixchatter</a><br />
<br />
13. <a href="http://iluvcinema.com/2013/01/movie-jail-relay-race-the-lucky-13th-round/">i luv cinema</a><br />
<br />
14. <a href="http://www.ptsnob.com/2013/01/movie-jail-relay-race.html">Public Transportation Snob</a><br />
<br />
15. <a href="http://twscritic.com/2013/02/05/blogathon-movie-jail-relay-race/">The Warning Sign</a><br />
<br />
16. <a href="http://3guys1movie.com/blogathon-movie-jail-relay-race/">3 Guys 1 Movie</a><br />
<br />
17. <a href="http://cuttingedgecreativity.wordpress.com/2013/02/27/movie-jail-relay-race/">Cutting Edge Creativity</a><br />
<br />
18. <a href="http://blankpagebeatdown.wordpress.com/2013/03/04/blogathon-movie-jail-relay-race/" target="_blank">BLANK PAGE BEATDOWN</a><br />
<br />
19. <a href="http://morallyoblogatory.wordpress.com/2013/03/11/blogathon-movie-jail-relay-race/" target="_blank">Morally Oblogatory</a></blockquote>
</blockquote>
20. <a href="http://knightsofmarsroundtable.blogspot.com/2013/03/blogathon-movie-jail-relay-race.html" target="_blank">Knights of Mars Roundtable</a> <br />
<br />
<br />
Now, for my first feat, I will successfully defend my client, Eddie Murphy, from being unjustly held in Movie Jail for weeks on end. <a href="https://twitter.com/#!/classicblanca" target="_blank">Josh</a> from <a href="http://classicblanca.blogspot.in/" target="_blank">The Movie Spectacle</a> seems to be of the mind that in order to qualify for Movie Jail, "What have you done for me lately?" is the attitude to take. Well, I just don't buy it, at least not when there are many more deserving people who haven't produced <i>anything</i> of note and still get off scott-free. In this instance, however, Mr. Murphy's record speaks for itself.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/3sRhm3SsdHM?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Exhibit A</b></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/aGMCd4SoXk0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Exhibit B</b></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/DKtjBqJ4NxA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Exhibit C</b></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/wsSlB31dwiE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Exhibit D</b></div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/Nu-dVXoVoHI?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Exhibit E</b></div>
<br />
Clearly, the evidence in my client's favor is overwhelming, and I haven't even gone through his entire career. Josh is, of course, correct in that there are several below-par films Mr. Murphy has starred in, but the legacy he leaves behind should also be considered when deciding his residency in Movie Jail. Put another way, if Adam Sandler is allowed to be a free man, I think Eddie Murphy can be afforded the same luxury. After all, Mr. Murphy is not responsible for <i>Jack & Jill</i>, is he? I think not.<br />
<br />
<br />
Since there's an opening in Movie Jail now that Eddie Murphy is free to make <i>Norbit 4</i> or whatever he so chooses, it behooves me to throw Paul W.S. Anderson's sorry ass in the last cell.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1E9ZWsf-PFUvrK_Bn0HTBh9f_RGf1Es6kHznz5lGl8uvfqDwh435gmJQbWuaw0NNZIYR3RLQ-c-fvmFuG4sY09s7mN5HP9_qxB0tnXFdkeVV0yoWO8-E-55ykjypFup8x8nd7nppUew2s/s1600/AndersonMovieJail.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1E9ZWsf-PFUvrK_Bn0HTBh9f_RGf1Es6kHznz5lGl8uvfqDwh435gmJQbWuaw0NNZIYR3RLQ-c-fvmFuG4sY09s7mN5HP9_qxB0tnXFdkeVV0yoWO8-E-55ykjypFup8x8nd7nppUew2s/s1600/AndersonMovieJail.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Rot in hell</b></div>
<br />
As if I actually have to go through the litany of charges against Mr. Anderson. Still, his egregious crimes against humanity should be documented for the record just in case. To begin, I submit the fact that Anderson is quite capable of making a good movie.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicji7bM3bRw1JDgricS-iP7u4f1Mbnw2Z95OYOMWxwvEoXmCy0wdC6Dm4cjpVwLo9tErUJq6A2KxCTeQh0aIcDqmDFT4DsAjjLncjI1X0I3IcbYy-wRv-0z4A1kecDFzX20XHrhyyYyWXn/s1600/EventHorizon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicji7bM3bRw1JDgricS-iP7u4f1Mbnw2Z95OYOMWxwvEoXmCy0wdC6Dm4cjpVwLo9tErUJq6A2KxCTeQh0aIcDqmDFT4DsAjjLncjI1X0I3IcbYy-wRv-0z4A1kecDFzX20XHrhyyYyWXn/s1600/EventHorizon.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Oh, yea. Paul W.S. Anderson totally did make this movie. It makes him even more disappointing, doesn't it?</b></div>
<br />
Did Mr. Anderson just forget how to make a movie? Does he figure one success carries more weight than six abject failures? Perhaps one or both. Either way, I hurl his crimes right back at his face: <i><a href="http://knightsofmarsroundtable.blogspot.com/2013/02/finish-him-ordont-or-whatever-mortal.html" target="_blank">Mortal Kombat</a>, AVP: Alien vs. Predator, Death Race, Resident Evil: Afterlife, The Three Musketeers, </i>and<i> Resident Evil: Retribution</i>. He's turned into the third head of a Cerberus that also houses the minds of Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG_omP_BbuY1dccHi3jGr4vwcObIKNF4Nf4caXM3YOw7SPGzdj3XL7s3n3kTe4lDs9tc8B2eGeF-1mEylCuD8ufrrUmNo_6ZE_wXoJ9E7UIM1DiquZde7k3vZOjWb8Nlt-h0EHJIgAm7FP/s1600/Cerberus.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG_omP_BbuY1dccHi3jGr4vwcObIKNF4Nf4caXM3YOw7SPGzdj3XL7s3n3kTe4lDs9tc8B2eGeF-1mEylCuD8ufrrUmNo_6ZE_wXoJ9E7UIM1DiquZde7k3vZOjWb8Nlt-h0EHJIgAm7FP/s1600/Cerberus.JPG" width="257" /></a></div>
<br />
Quality is no longer a concern of his (Was it ever?); he's produced the two sequels to his remake of <i>Death Race 2000</i> that should have never happened in the first place, and he's now prepping another <i>Resident Evil</i> movie under his direction. He is a waste of cinematic space and should be held indefinitely in Movie Jail until such a time arises when his deeds are less worthy of punishment over another's.<br />
<br />
Good luck with that, though. I rest my case.<br />
<br />
Now that my duty is finished, I pass the Movie Jail Relay Race baton to <a href="https://twitter.com/Tysoncarter" target="_blank">Tyson</a> from <a href="http://www.headinavice.com/" target="_blank">Head in a Vice</a>.<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-47281841740560124072013-02-15T10:00:00.000-07:002013-02-15T10:00:01.704-07:00Just in Time for the Weekend<br />It's Friday once again, and I have today's bit of awesome for you. I'm sure a good number of you have heard at least some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's DVD commentary for <i>Total Recall</i>. If you haven't, it's almost worth buying the DVD just to hear it. All he ever does is describe what's literally taking place on the screen. Long story short, here are some more elucidating comments by Arnold taken from his <i>Conan the Barbarian</i> commentary track.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/GSqnFxVaIx4?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<br />
Happy Friday!<br />
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<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-34496813788181539422013-02-08T12:00:00.000-07:002013-02-08T15:19:12.931-07:00Friday Family Fun Night - Lovely Molly and Citadel<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBOyU0Ep-T5eI2I30xTIMhgfD8KJE_5MT0qge7ib-ZsU4MD1w9e2qz8IDiFPjCqXAxgAKjZ1Qo2DTPA-s8UYmlPshlc_aidTC7qo1dAPSngvHO6WrMQwCL6LQv0uomSkse7tvAF5RJAV9e/s1600/FamilyFunNight.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBOyU0Ep-T5eI2I30xTIMhgfD8KJE_5MT0qge7ib-ZsU4MD1w9e2qz8IDiFPjCqXAxgAKjZ1Qo2DTPA-s8UYmlPshlc_aidTC7qo1dAPSngvHO6WrMQwCL6LQv0uomSkse7tvAF5RJAV9e/s400/FamilyFunNight.jpg" height="265" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Being that I'm married and have a daughter on the way, I'm all about family programming. My wife and I both love horror movies, so I've decided to start making recommendations from my family to yours. If you want some quality entertainment that's fit for you, your significant other, and your 6-year-old son or daughter, all you have to read is my Friday Family Fun Night guide. I've got you covered.<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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I'll start off the new feature with two movies from 2012 - <i>Lovely Molly</i> and <i>Citadel</i>. They're both character-driven, psychological horror flicks that don't have any qualms about fucking with your mind. They're everything a strong family unit could ever ask for when it comes to spending weekend nights together, huddled under a blanket, discussing the themes each movie might bring up.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><b>Lovely Molly</b></i><br />
<br />
<b>Lovely Molly</b> follows Molly, a 20-something wife of a truck driver who, along with her husband, moves back into her deceased parents' house. Not long after the move, strange things start happening to her, and her sanity - along with events in her past - come into question.<br />
<br />
<b>Why is it fun for the whole family?</b><br />
<br />
First of all, there's the T & A factor. Not only does Gretchen Lodge give (IMO) an Oscar-worthy performance of a mentally crippled woman struggling with demons both real and possibly imagined, but she's also not shy about being fully naked at least a few times during the movie. Then there's that whole bit about being raped by her father.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga3dggL4dxL82Xm9busBUquF8jYWB11zvR42zVWc8ntE-wqewJpHefySN1mfHuhqZ9hK33GWIUZOIl0I1grSf2dFEdGIdlG6R1kPJ3i3JGx1ESEIUpA76k691Ow_7uZ-KX-Zycq2dJi_7H/s1600/Molly.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga3dggL4dxL82Xm9busBUquF8jYWB11zvR42zVWc8ntE-wqewJpHefySN1mfHuhqZ9hK33GWIUZOIl0I1grSf2dFEdGIdlG6R1kPJ3i3JGx1ESEIUpA76k691Ow_7uZ-KX-Zycq2dJi_7H/s400/Molly.jpg" height="223" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<b>Sure, the kids are into that. But what about the parents?</b><br />
<br />
<i>Lovely Molly</i> is nothing without its exploration of what makes Molly tick. It's mostly a psychological horror movie, but there's also a hint or suggestion that something supernatural is at play. Lodge really does give a powerhouse performance, and <i>Lovely Molly</i> could have been a lot less interesting with someone else in the role. Also of note, <i>Lovely Molly</i> is directed by Eduardo Sanchez of <i>The Blair Witch</i> fame.<br />
<br />
<i><b><br /></b></i>
<i><b>Citadel</b></i><br />
<br />
<b>Citadel</b> is about a young father forced to take care of his infant daughter after his wife is attacked by a group of kids. It becomes clear that the kids are more than what they appear, as his life is wrecked by fear and the possibility of his daughter being taken from him almost a year later by the very same assailants who attacked his wife.<br />
<br />
<b>Why is it fun for the whole family?</b><br />
<br />
Nothing says "Sit down, little Timmy, let me show you a movie" like one about gangs of lethal kids roaming around the neighborhood, breaking into houses, and brutally murdering people. Once it's over, Timmy might ask you to double-check that the doors are locked. Go ahead and check, and if he's still staring at your alarm system once the T.V. is turned off, just give him a blanket and a pillow so he can be comfortable in his new-found fear of literally everything.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfFiI-ZDKEDk2u084Q1IisNm0cyYbMv29AgQYzVgSvQydeFHyuSeC-6EUcLcj719vBgnVF2LIjmsb5AlCJoBNOusCWANpHZhmP0Z6Y55Jmmnou8yd_4MtCV5501Yv2ByCGweyVLSwXpsGe/s1600/BreakIn.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfFiI-ZDKEDk2u084Q1IisNm0cyYbMv29AgQYzVgSvQydeFHyuSeC-6EUcLcj719vBgnVF2LIjmsb5AlCJoBNOusCWANpHZhmP0Z6Y55Jmmnou8yd_4MtCV5501Yv2ByCGweyVLSwXpsGe/s400/BreakIn.jpg" height="223" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<b>Sure, the kids are into that. But what about the parents?</b><br />
<br />
<b>Citadel</b> starts out by having a very pregnant girl attacked and put in a coma. Her husband, Tommy (expertly played by Aneurin Barnard), subsequently has to raise their daughter on his own, as the mother never wakes up from her condition. As a result of the traumatic experience, Tommy develops a severe form of agoraphobia and can barely leave the house without passing out. His performance - just like Lodge's in <i>Lovely Molly</i> - is the centerpiece of the movie, and Barnard is fantastic. When the shit hits the fan, rooting for him to beat the odds is definitely not a problem. Special mention goes out to the priest who swears like a fucking sailor and knows how to blow up sky rise apartment complexes.<br />
<br />
<br />
That about does it for this edition of Friday Family Fun Night. Make sure to get the kiddos their favorite candy before you pop in the DVDs. They'll appreciate the sugar rush after about the first half hour.<br />
<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-79008649696302154182013-02-08T10:00:00.000-07:002013-02-08T10:00:06.080-07:00Just in Time for the Weekend<br />
I love Fridays, and I want everyone to love them with me. To that end, I'm 100% sure you'd go for a montage of the '90s X-Men cartoon right about now. As a kid, this was my favorite show, but I don't remember it being this hilarious. "As leader of the Morlocks, I hereby extend an invitation to all X-Men to join us for Christmas dinner." Even though she's not born yet, I've already decided that my daughter will watch this show with me.<br />
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<br />
Happy Friday!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-91638844190831397442013-02-06T10:00:00.000-07:002013-02-06T14:24:12.037-07:00Finish Him! Or...Don't, or Whatever - Mortal Kombat (1995)<br />
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<br />
In this, the 4th installment of <a href="http://knightsofmarsroundtable.blogspot.com/p/you-got-some-video-games-in-my-movies.html" target="_blank">You Got Some Video Games in my Movies</a>, I take a look at one of the biggest disappointments of my adult life, <i>Mortal Kombat</i>. As you'll see with this review, I was a big fan of the games growing up. Then, Paul W.S. Anderson decided to find what was most sacred to me and carpet-bomb it with enough stupidity to keep me far, far away from whatever enjoyment he thought he was giving me. The previous movie in this series, <a href="http://knightsofmarsroundtable.blogspot.com/2013/01/this-is-merely-superconductor.html" target="_blank"><i>Street Fighter</i></a>, actually has some entertainment value (albeit also stupid) to it. <i>Mortal Kombat</i>, on the other hand, plummets
like Goro off of a cliff after getting kicked in the (presumably)
four-testicled nutsack. Thanks, Anderson. Thanks for that one.<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b>DVD case accolades:</b></span><br />
<br />
<b>"A rock'em, sock'em, action flick!"</b><br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
-Anonymous(?)</blockquote>
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
September 13th, 1993. I remember it well. It was Mortal Monday, and I was ten<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b>-</b></span>years-old. The original <i>Mortal Kombat</i>
had released that day on the Sega Genesis, and it was delivered right
to my doorstep. I have a clear memory of rushing through the back door
and making a bee-line for the front porch. I opened the door, and sure
enough, the package was sitting on the ground, waiting to be opened. I'm
pretty sure I let out some ten-year-old male version of "SQUEEEE!!!" <b><span class="Apple-style-span">*<i>swoon</i>*</span></b> as I feverishly ripped the box open to reveal the greatest thing since things began existing. This was <i><b>Mortal Kombat</b></i>, <b>mother fucker</b>.
<b>IN MY HOUSE</b>. It was time to bicycle kick people in the chest with Liu
Kang and perhaps even dabble in some Kano heart-eating. Yes, he totally
eats his opponent's heart after he rips it out. Go YouTube it.<br />
<br />
Just in case you haven't got the plot yet, I loved that shit more than
my own mother (Mother, in case you're reading this, go ahead and chalk
that up to hyperbole.). At the time, either Midway, Acclaim, or Sega was
running a contest that had something to do with beating the game. I
can't remember exactly what it was about, but it entailed beating the
game and then taking a picture of the end-game screen. Yes, that was
before the internet. I had to take a picture, get it
developed, and snail mail it in a truck and everything. The point
is, I did it. I beat that game. Over 200 times. I could go on and on
about this, but I just want you to understand how much of an <i>MK</i>
fan I was back in the day. When the movie came out, I was hyping it up like I had stock in New Line. I loved the movie. I mean, holy
shit, Sub-Zero was in it, and he was my favorite character. I even
dressed up like him for Halloween one year, and that costume is still
sitting in my closet back home.<br />
<br />
So, how does the movie hold up now that I'm a grown man? Not so
well. It kind of sucks, actually. Time to break out the notes. Let's
see...what was bad...what was bad...ah, yes. Everything.<br />
<br />
Okay, not literally everything. The one cool thing about <i>Mortal Kombat</i>
is the Goro puppet. I don't know exactly what the hell is going on
with that thing, but there are about 4 or 5 puppeteers listed in the
credits. The lower half is an actual dude walking around, and the upper
half is some kind of movable monster torso. The eyes move around and
bulge out, and the mouth makes decent attempts at lip-syncing to the
dialogue.<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>"Don't cry for me, ArgentRRRRAAARRRGGGHHHHH!"</b></div>
<br />
Aside from Goro, nothing else really works. The number one reason to watch a <i>Mortal Kombat</i>
movie would be for the fights, right? Right. Too bad, then, because
they're all lame. First of all, seemingly half of them take place for
no reason whatsoever. The tournament would be happening in one location,
but...just because...the main characters would wander off and get into
these battles of attrition to see who could suck up the most screen time
with punches and kicks I could have blocked as a grade-schooler back in '93. The only
reason they exist is so that Sub-Zero could fight Liu Kang (Umm,
fail. Sub-Zero should fight Scorpion, you assholes.), and also so the
movie's runtime could reach a respectable length. Otherwise, the thing
would have been like 20 minutes. But no, Paul Anderson really, really wants you to watch Johnny
Cage and Scorpion fight in a bamboo forest out in the middle of nowhere, for no reason.<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>This looks exactly like my Halloween costume, only yellow.</b></div>
<br />
That reminds me, the rules of Mortal
Kombat make no sense. The humans win in the end, but Shao Khan still
storms the place, crushes a building, and calls everyone dicks while
yelling about taking over the joint. Where are the Mortal Kombat police
when you need them? I'd even take Stryker if he was available at the
time, or at least something like the vegan police from <i>Scott Pilgrim</i>. Coincidentally, if you're going to just make him a white dude, Thomas Jane would have made a better Raiden. More on that in a minute.<br />
<br />
Anyways, the fights aren't lame only because the setups are nonsensical. On
the whole, the choreography is also pretty asstastic. At least once per
fight, one guy will do his defensive block like a full second before
the other dude even attempts the strike. The one on defense will then just
hold it there like a tool and wait for the striker to place his arm
neatly inside his raised arms. Either that, or the punches would just
look staged and shitty. It's almost as if some of the stunt guys
couldn't get the routine down at full-speed, so they just said fuck it
and filmed it at three-quarters.<br />
<br />
One of the most obviously poor choices is - you guessed it - Christopher
Lambert as Raiden. Bizarro casting aside, though, Raiden is the most
unhelpful douche ever. His entire M.O. is to drone on and on about no one being
"ready," but he won't ever teach anyone anything. Seriously, all the guy
does is mosey on over whenever Shang Tsung attempts something obviously too
dickish to let slide and say stuff like, "Heyyyy you guyssss...that's against the rulesssss."<br />
<br />
There are also no training montages. In fact, there is no training at all. I mean, it's not like a video game or something
where you can just keep trying over and over until you beat the son of a
bitch. That would be ridiculous.<br />
<br />
I've written just about all I can about <i>Mortal Kombat</i>, save for
one last thing that kind of irks me. Throughout the whole movie, Sonya
Blade is portrayed as a strong-willed, independent woman who could take
care of herself and kick anyone's ass. It's misguided from the start,
because I really don't believe a strong female character needs to be
able to scissor-kick anyone. Plus she's a bitch. That's not being
strong, that's just being a bitch. But if you're going to go that route,
you have to go the whole way. At the end of the movie, she's relegated to a damsel in distress, replete with messy, "sexy" hair and a
pseudo dress. Look, don't give me your shit about this being <i>Mortal Kombat</i>
and that I should calm down. I get it. I'm just saying that if this
movie had any higher aspirations, I would be offended. But it didn't, so
whatever. She looked hot in her stupid dress.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLzKmDDL6Pd-gvf-tPGgOqq9qOYzwu0aid-lFhvHnGTGeyWtvD-71Kw0qPXeWHYxjt8QWcKXMnNQk5HvRF7MxKCBZ2QX3aMCt9EILOc7xmtZrP7zboxzPBbFD2AEtWNb92bRn7DFPJWPms/s1600/Sonya.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLzKmDDL6Pd-gvf-tPGgOqq9qOYzwu0aid-lFhvHnGTGeyWtvD-71Kw0qPXeWHYxjt8QWcKXMnNQk5HvRF7MxKCBZ2QX3aMCt9EILOc7xmtZrP7zboxzPBbFD2AEtWNb92bRn7DFPJWPms/s320/Sonya.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Shang Tsung likes ball torture. If you ask him, he'll deny it.</b></div>
<br />
Alright, I'm done with
this one; on to the next. Coincidentally, the next video game movie happens to be <i>Mortal Kombat: Annihilation</i>. Oh, joy. Sindel is just soooooo good in that.<br />
<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-35161564045777702362013-02-04T10:00:00.000-07:002013-02-05T04:13:27.062-07:00You Killed my Family, Big Mista...Wait... - Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning (2012)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRN_e-3WHdDrOQvgN3QFYwUOFiVup2G1kb1G9MBxPtcOt_6y3xGnspnlQKL1y0fba2jw_IvP4Xg0xGWmW1KrpeqAPHzNF7NF0tOpORIWbHvsRjJGH9lCIEGR6rvUFq3ncAvbIafi8cUY8C/s1600/Adkins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="172" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRN_e-3WHdDrOQvgN3QFYwUOFiVup2G1kb1G9MBxPtcOt_6y3xGnspnlQKL1y0fba2jw_IvP4Xg0xGWmW1KrpeqAPHzNF7NF0tOpORIWbHvsRjJGH9lCIEGR6rvUFq3ncAvbIafi8cUY8C/s400/Adkins.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
If any director deserves props for resurrecting a dead franchise, it's John Hyams for his recent work on the <i>Universal Soldier</i> series. The original is an interesting road movie/action flick from Roland Emmerich before he went all explosion crazy, but it all went straight downhill after that. The next two sequels are tv-movies without Van Damme, and 1999 saw his truly awful return to his character of Luc Deveraux in the equally awful <i>Universal Soldier: The Return</i>. Thank God for Hyams, though, because he saved the day and created a fantastic character arc for Van Damme to explore through (so far) two exceptional action movies.<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
To briefly mention Hyams' directorial debut in the franchise, <i>Universal Soldier: Regeneration</i> came out in 2009, and it kicks all kinds of ass. It ignores everything other than the original movie and starts out with Deveraux in rehabilitation from being in the UniSol program for the past couple of decades. Unfortunately, right when it seems like he might have some kind of breakthrough and become a normal person again, he's brought back online to kill some rogue super soldiers with nuclear weapons. It might sound generic by my description, but it's anything but. The story is very minimalist, which, in Hyams' hands, works extremely well. I actually feel for Deveraux, because he's been used his entire life as a weapon, and when there's finally some light at the end of the tunnel, he's sucked right back into the shit.<br />
<br />
I bring up so much plot from <i>Regeneration</i>, because <i>Day of Reckoning</i> is a direct sequel. A number of years have passed between movies, and Van Damme is no longer working for the government. In fact, he's gone rogue himself, and he's in the middle of recruiting an army of super soldiers to take down the government for all the years of abuse they've handed down to Deveraux and soldiers like him. They're an extremist group, for sure, but I can't help but have a small bit of sympathy for how Deveraux ended up the way he did. It ain't easy being a genetically-enhanced super soldier with the strength of ten men but the will of less than one.<br />
<br />
Deveraux isn't the focus of <i>Day of Reckoning</i>, though. Scott Adkins plays John, another man central to the Universal Soldier program. The movie opens with a dreamy sequence where John gets up in the middle of the night to check the house for monsters. He has a wife and daughter, and his kid wakes him up complaining about scary things in the house. He obliges, but when he gets to the kitchen, he's beaten to shit by masked men. They then gather his family, and Van Damme reveals himself as the main asshole who, one-by-one, executes John's family. Thus starts the motivation for John to figure out who killed his family (big mistake) and why. If that sounds cliche, it is. But Hyams knows this, and it's not really what's going on. If you know anything about the series, you can probably guess at least what it has to do with.<br />
<br />
The first 20 minutes or so of the movie is dream-like, with bizarre colors, angles, and a first-person view that's some of the best I've seen. It feels odd, but that's for a reason. I won't go into the reason, but it plays into what John thinks his life is about and what he discovers later on. Regardless, the first act is a total trip.<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>This was also how my face looked as I was watching.</b></div>
<br />
Before I talk about Adkins or Van Damme, I have to talk about Dolph. He's only in 3 scenes in the entire movie, but he totally makes the most of each one. If you've seen <i>Regeneration</i>, you know you're in for some kick ass fights, and Dolph doesn't disappoint. Not to rag on <i>The Expendables 2</i> any more than I already have (haha, just kidding, I'll rag on it as much as I please.), but this is the kind of shit I expected from that monstrosity. Here, even though you know Dolph is going to lose in the end, he's almost bigger than life until he inevitably gets the bullet and knife through the head.<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>FUCK YEA.</b></div>
<br />
Van Damme has even less screen time than Dolph, but he does some awesome work. I already talked about the arc his character has gone through, so when he shows up in <i>Day of Reckoning</i>, he's too far gone to be reasoned with. In fact, no one even makes the attempt. It's a fight to the death, and it's one fucking bloody affair. Machetes get stuck in arms but nobody cares, that kind of thing. If you want my guess, I'd say that Deveraux welcomed the fight. It's a win-win for him; if he wins, he continues his crazy plans. If he loses, the endless cycle of mind-fuckery and bloodshed is over.<br />
<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b> Brutality is the name of this fight.</b></div>
<br />
Last, but not least, is Scott Adkins. I'll admit right away that I haven't seen any of his action movies (besides that crapfest <i>Expendables 2</i>!), but I'm impressed beyond belief with him in this one. He doesn't turn into the super soldier we all know he is until quite a ways into the movie, but once he does, holy shit.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXN-SrgM_kOEkoapC77swexVXfHrCNGu9MavEKe_w4Euxeb5OhO8vKvMBCeZ1qfp8okd-l7uNpw66UirW-Os3LLu5gZogfHPbbiCiye1z3Xr20La71Ns8s8bpb630UIOJzKzm4sVqT1oMA/s1600/BowlingPunch.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXN-SrgM_kOEkoapC77swexVXfHrCNGu9MavEKe_w4Euxeb5OhO8vKvMBCeZ1qfp8okd-l7uNpw66UirW-Os3LLu5gZogfHPbbiCiye1z3Xr20La71Ns8s8bpb630UIOJzKzm4sVqT1oMA/s400/BowlingPunch.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>This is a picture of Scott Adkins obliterating a bowling ball with his fist. Yes, that is correct.</b></div>
<br />
He even gets a hole drilled into his head, but that only makes him angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.<br />
<br />
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<b>It's all good; he doesn't need that leg.</b></div>
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His actual acting isn't bad, either. He's not given a lot of room to breathe, and I think his performance is subdued and believable. I doubt it, but I can only hope his other movies are similar in at least this one aspect.<br />
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If you're a fan of hardcore action movies that don't treat you like a moron, this is simply a must-watch. I shit you not. The story isn't spoon-fed to you, and I still have lingering questions about some of the stuff that took place. It's a less-is-more approach in terms of direct storytelling, and it succeeds in making me want to watch it multiple times to get all the details. Because of this and <i>Regeneration</i>, I seriously wouldn't mind seeing 2 or 3 more entries as long as they're met with the same care and attention to the details that matter in these kinds of movies. It's not worth a rental; it's worth a purchase. I promise you won't be disappointed.<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-27684681490855131572013-02-01T10:00:00.001-07:002013-02-01T10:00:04.455-07:00Just in Time for the Weekend<br />
I managed to make it to Friday yet again without going out in a blaze of glory, which means it's time for me to give you something funny/stupid/amazing to look at for a minute or two. This time, it's from one of my all-time favorite movies, <i>The Happening</i>. I swear, even this scene is <a href="http://collider.com/mark-wahlberg-the-happening-bad-movie/" target="_blank">not Wahlberg's fault</a>. Even so, this is probably the most disingenuous answer possible to the question asked. I really do think he was planning on doing it.<br />
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Happy Friday!<br />
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(And, no, I don't really like <i>The Happening.</i>)<br />
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<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-34961282815165033492013-01-31T10:00:00.000-07:002013-01-31T14:28:26.816-07:00This is Merely Superconductor Electromagnetism, Surely You've Heard of It - Street Fighter (1994)<br />
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For the third installment of <a href="http://knightsofmarsroundtable.blogspot.com/p/you-got-some-video-games-in-my-movies.html" target="_blank">You Got Some Video Games in my Movies</a>, I take a look at Raul Julia's swan song, <i>Street Fighter</i>. This review will not go into very much detail when it comes to the differences between the characters in the games and the ones on-screen. While I've played a bit of the games, I wouldn't call myself a fan, exactly, so the extent of the comparisons will be limited to physical appearances. Fear not! Their appearances alone are hilarious enough to fill a lot of space with goofy pictures of everyone involved.<br />
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As promised, here are pictures of the <i>Street Fighter</i> video game characters side-by-side with their movie counterparts. Fair warning, this will get ugly over time.<br />
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<b>Chun-Li: Okay, not so bad.</b></div>
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<b>Cammy: ...Kylie Minogue? Sure, whatever. Two-for-two so far (She needs less pants, though.).</b></div>
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<b>Vega: Man, the casting in this movie is actually pretty good!</b></div>
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<b>Zangief: Yep, looks about right.</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbqq5vglyMl-lZQAysPXX-uPHSIM-8YEUvELXFyeImbI5OfO3bMl57_Gqddb5PUttoKe6soc9bfA7eM-6DOgWqzPdJXMrBK-xybbqw3vDif6_agUjud4ah4CuQrdFHY-4X9qQsbGacxknv/s1600/EHonda.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbqq5vglyMl-lZQAysPXX-uPHSIM-8YEUvELXFyeImbI5OfO3bMl57_Gqddb5PUttoKe6soc9bfA7eM-6DOgWqzPdJXMrBK-xybbqw3vDif6_agUjud4ah4CuQrdFHY-4X9qQsbGacxknv/s400/EHonda.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<b>E Honda: Well, now he's Hawaiian instead of Japanese, but he's big and fat. Thumbs up. </b></div>
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<b>Balrog: I guess he's black, so they paid at least that much attention.</b></div>
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<b>Ryu: Umm, wait, hold on a second.</b></div>
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<b>Ken: Dammit, I should have known it was too good to last.</b></div>
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<b>Blanca: OH MY GOD NO.</b></div>
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<b>T Hawk: You know, that's pretty offensively bad.</b></div>
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<b>Dhalsim: At least they didn't make him fight.</b></div>
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<b>Sagat: You must lash out with every limb, like the octopus who plays the drums.</b></div>
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<b>Dee Jay: I'll admit it's a better fit than Juwanna Mann.</b></div>
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<b>M Bison: Sure, he looks the part, but how is his Psycho Crusher and Scissor Kick?</b></div>
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<b>Guile: They needed an action star. Who did you expect, Michael Dudikoff?</b></div>
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<i>Street Fighter</i> occupies a weird space for me. It's stupid and doesn't take place in any semblance of reality, but I kind of enjoyed watching it. The characters are uniformly awful, and the plot seems to revolve around trying to shoehorn in as many characters from the games as humanly possible, but I still found some entertainment value underneath all of that crap. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I don't know. I blame the color palette of the '90s.<br />
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I mean, let's be serious for a moment. In a movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, there are a total of two - <i><b>two</b></i> - comprehensible fighting moves from him. The only time he does anything besides walking around and speaking craptastic dialogue is at the very end when he fights Bison. Even then, all the fight boils down to is close-ups of the beginnings of so-called strikes and then cuts to the other's reaction. It's totally understandable, mind you, because Raul Julia is not a martial artist or an athlete. He was obviously picked because he sort of resembles Bison, and he has a lot of gravitas. That's great, but how in the hell can you pit a guy like that against Van Damme? In all possible worlds, that will never turn out well. Ever.<br />
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<b>What is Raul Julia supposed to to about that?</b></div>
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Now, on the flip side of the coin, I think I enjoyed watching Van Damme's performance for the same reason he seemingly enjoyed giving it: He didn't have to do a damn thing. It's strangely amusing to watch him in a role where he doesn't have to do any heavy lifting in the action department even though he's still supposed to be the star. All he has to do is show up, read a few lines, do a couple of kicks, and he's home in time for Corn Flakes. He could have phoned it in a little more, but at least to me, he added some extra ham to balance out the lack of physical work. I think he felt guilty at the fact he was getting paid to simply exist as Jean-Claude Van Damme. Am I over-analyzing Van Damme's method (or lack thereof) acting as Colonel William F. Guile in <i>Street Fighter</i>? Most likely, the answer is yes. But I'm sticking to my theory so I can continue liking this bad, bad movie.<br />
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As for Julia, I can't decide if it was a brilliant performance in the middle of a shitty movie or just him trying to come up with something to do with the turd of a character that is M. Bison. It's probably because he has that presence about him that screams evil genius. Come to think of it, a lot of that had to do with his constant, crazy, bug eyes.<br />
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<b>Told you. Bug eyes.</b></div>
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Typically, in these kinds of roles - and in these kinds of movies - the bad guy is eye-rollingly bad at being intimidating. Julia pulls it off, though, but only when he's not actually fighting. Then, he's just an actor out of his element as he flies around on wires and tries to be Shakespearean while yelling "For I beheld Satan as he came down from Heaven...with lightniiiiiiinnnngggggg!" Directly after which he flies forward with his electromagnetic hover boots and tries to punch Van Damme in the face.<br />
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The rest of the cast is just laughable, but in the oh-it's-so-adorable-that-you-did-that kind of way. Even the character names are painfully stupid when they're said out-loud. Who the fuck is named Balrog or T Hawk in the real world?<br />
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It's hard to be consistent with what I'm about to say, because movies I don't like do the exact same thing, but I laughed a hearty laugh when it showed Bison using a <i>Street Fighter</i> arcade console to control his many evil machines. I guess it's a case-by-case basis kind of situation.<br />
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<b>And in this case, it's fucking hilarious.</b></div>
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<i>Street Fighter</i> is just one of those things. I can't accurately describe why I'm able to put up with the stupidity of it all, but it didn't disappoint in my first viewing of it in over a decade. Did you know that the director, Steven E. de Souza, is credited as a writer for such movies as <i>48 Hrs.</i>, <i>Commando</i>, <i>The Running Man</i>, and <i>Die Hard</i>? What the hell is he doing directing this garb...oh, wait. He also wrote <i>The Flintstones</i>, <i>Judge Dredd</i>, and <i>Beverly Hills Cop III</i>. Consistency is not his middle name. Still, I have to say, this one could have been a lot worse.<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-13536085874776440142013-01-26T03:44:00.000-07:002013-01-28T19:38:29.557-07:00Please Wear This Rodent Helmet with Me - Black Rat (2010)<br />
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<i>Black Rat</i> is one of those movies I can't decide if I like or not. I'm pretty sure it's not good, but the bizarreness of it all compelled me to sit through a lot of the bullshit just so I could see how it played out. It's very Japanese, and it's very stupid. It's also absurdly funny in parts, which in hindsight is probably what kept me from turning it off and finding something else to watch.<br />
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The premise is simple: 6 high school students get a text from a former friend, Asuka, who committed suicide 2 months prior. It says for them to meet her at their school at midnight. That's it. They show up at the designated room a few minutes before the clock strikes 12, and as they're debating who's behind the impossible texts, their dead friend shows up wearing a hand-made rat head. Oh, no, don't worry; it makes total sense.<br />
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<b>That's the laziest furry costume I've ever seen.</b></div>
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Okay, so a little back-story is in order. Before Asuka killed herself, she was trying to get the group of friends to put on a dance routine with her for a festival. She made the glorious rat head pictured above for them to wear during the routine. Nobody wanted to do it, though, and long story short, Asuka jumped off of a roof while wearing the rat head.<br />
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<b>Don't ask me who she's waving at.</b></div>
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The thing about the story is that it's never explained well enough to make much sense. From what I could gather, she jumped from the roof because of a combination things. For one, she was a very socially awkward person, and nobody really liked to be around her. She kept asking them to practice their dancing, but it was obvious it wasn't going to happen. Then there's the sort-of love triangle that the movie really wants me to figure out with little-to-no information. I never understood what any of it was about, but I have to conclude that being rejected by her friends and not finding the love she was looking for led to her suicide. Why jump from a roof with a rat head? Why <b>not</b>? Gah!<br />
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So, once Asuka shows up at the school where the group is waiting, she proceeds to tell them through a series of notebook writings (she never speaks) that she is going to kill each and every one of them. She then takes out a bat and starts wildly swinging it all over the place. She's the most inefficient bat-swinger I've ever seen. Seriously, it's like she's swinging at a pinata but she's not sure where it is in the room. It's pretty bad, and the horrible aim continues throughout the entire movie.<br />
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That's one of the main gripes I have with <i>Black Rat</i>. I just couldn't bring myself to believe this girl could kill anyone. I get the scare factor, but there's 6 of them and one of her. She can't hit the broad side of a barn, so why not just bum rush the bitch? Crappiest. Ghost. Ever.<br />
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On the other hand, the situations that come about as she goes after individuals are sometimes inspired. She tells one kid that if he can stop her kick from going into the soccer net, she'll let him live. He sucks at soccer, but of course he gives it a go. He loses, and she bashes his brains in. Then there's the girl she ties to a chair with electric wires and forces to get a score of 100 at karaoke. If she does that, she's forgiven. As predicted, she doesn't even come close.<br />
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<b>C'mon, that shit is just funny.</b></div>
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As far as the group of friends goes, they're mostly tolerable except for one guy. He's the rebel of the bunch. His hair is crazy (stupid), he wears his loud shirt untucked, he smokes, and he yells a lot. Yea, he's really just a giant douche.<br />
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<b>Ugh.</b></div>
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He also spends an inordinate amount of time flailing around on the floor, because his legs don't work, I guess. There's a moral in there somewhere, such as smoking and being a douche causes Flailing Leg Syndrome.<br />
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<b>FLS affects 800,000 jerks in Japan alone.</b></div>
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Come to think of it, none of these people should even be friends. They don't seem to really like each other, but there they are, hanging out for no apparent reason. That, coupled with the totally uncalled for left turn the movie takes in the last 25 minutes or so, brings it down several notches. Not to give away too much, but it's basically like a much bloodier and darker Scooby Doo episode. Hey, I guess I figured out if I like <i>Black Rat</i> or not. It's interesting to see once, just because, but the weird shit doesn't quite redeem the flaws.<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-67689540079388174102013-01-25T10:00:00.000-07:002013-01-25T10:00:03.103-07:00Just in Time for the Weekend<br />
It's no secret I've had Arnold on the brain ever since seeing <i>The Last Stand</i>. So, to make Friday even better, here's an awesome clip from Walter Hill's <i>Red Heat</i>.<br />
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COCAINUM! Happy Friday!<br />
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<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-82910173002740849622013-01-23T10:00:00.000-07:002013-01-30T02:51:49.105-07:00UGGG - LEE!! - Double Dragon (1994)<br />
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In this, the second edition of <a href="http://knightsofmarsroundtable.blogspot.com/p/you-got-some-video-games-in-my-movies.html" target="_blank">You Got Some Video Games in my Movies</a>, I'll be looking at the masterpiece from the director of the 1992 (and '93!) Billboard Music Awards, <i>Double Dragon</i>. My history with the game series is pretty shallow, I'm sad to say. I remember playing the original a few times, but it's a generic memory. A lot of side-scrolling, button-mashing, and...that's about it. As for the movie, I'm a little surprised I hadn't seen it until now. Did I like it? Keep reading if you want to find out (spoilers: I didn't).<br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc;"><b>DVD case accolades:</b></span><br />
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<b>"A double blast of fun...an entertaining high-energy mix."</b><br />
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- The New York Post</blockquote>
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Only one year removed from <i>Super Mario Bros.</i> comes <i>Double Dragon</i>, which is surprising, because who the hell would want to make another video-game-based movie after that debacle? Apparently, the star power of Bob Hoskins proved to be too fruitful, so this time around, Scott Wolf gets his much-deserved time in the spotlight. He might be the worst bit of casting, but his inclusion isn't what genuinely makes me mad. Instead, it's the presence of someone who absolutely, positively, 100% should not be in this movie.<br />
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Robert Patrick, what the fuck? It's only 3 years after <i>Terminator 2</i>, and this is what you're doing with your life? That is borderline offensive to me, sir. You went from being one of the scariest men of the '90s to <b>this</b>:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEQtncjyX3Y4KExxnedmbAzeN-1UOJ0ynCm_CBo6KE-DXPv4MX7a_sNIb9CkWKQm38bldEOqnQfLJy9sWewzLt4FkDraYXpQxIk5n5zR3zcys9WazvQFx-Jv7-uax9Hy5xiAH78a9vrHQF/s1600/Patrick.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEQtncjyX3Y4KExxnedmbAzeN-1UOJ0ynCm_CBo6KE-DXPv4MX7a_sNIb9CkWKQm38bldEOqnQfLJy9sWewzLt4FkDraYXpQxIk5n5zR3zcys9WazvQFx-Jv7-uax9Hy5xiAH78a9vrHQF/s320/Patrick.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>No. Just no.</b></div>
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<i>Double Dragon</i> tells the riveting story of two brothers (Scott Wolf and Mark Dacascos) who have one half of a powerful amulet that's able to turn ordinary men like Robert Patrick into shadowy cg-cardboard monsters. Each half is supposed to harness the power of the body and the soul, respectively, but I didn't even figure out which one was which until like half-way through. When the amulet is made whole, magical feats are able to be performed such as cloning yourself and flailing around with fake swords.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitK2kjxTIm-oUiU1NZdkRsGhtdEZhj0YHbb-TZSEbz4uvuV_fNcvWJGusPzJpkfLIulRP7T2SwL87eBdIbXnv3YpuwQ08oP_aNaWBLLxpQcaDrzs1Trz2pnC1WFZXqsJ1XA2HzTYYiv2RX/s1600/Clones.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitK2kjxTIm-oUiU1NZdkRsGhtdEZhj0YHbb-TZSEbz4uvuV_fNcvWJGusPzJpkfLIulRP7T2SwL87eBdIbXnv3YpuwQ08oP_aNaWBLLxpQcaDrzs1Trz2pnC1WFZXqsJ1XA2HzTYYiv2RX/s320/Clones.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>He/they look like Wishmaster meets burnt monks.</b></div>
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I don't understand what Robert Patrick was trying to accomplish by combining the amulet. That picture above is the best he was able to come up with after waiting the entire movie to posses both halves of it. He's supposed to be the richest man in the city, but all he ever talks about is one day having enough power to control it. Um, look around, dude. You live in the tallest high-rise, have paid lackeys all over the place, and you dress like Vanilla Ice. I think you're good.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMQ6NEUPm-99c-QIC8dFHpXC1YIb63gHB6yGonx6FtvGoZovZruf2FA9O8f1fZRKIwKpXaLC0-RgqUtfgOcQscSMFST-Iuc5hzthArdRTydsddehhWuaX8ap6E-u7FUDiq0bVxORhobnZF/s1600/Ice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="144" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMQ6NEUPm-99c-QIC8dFHpXC1YIb63gHB6yGonx6FtvGoZovZruf2FA9O8f1fZRKIwKpXaLC0-RgqUtfgOcQscSMFST-Iuc5hzthArdRTydsddehhWuaX8ap6E-u7FUDiq0bVxORhobnZF/s320/Ice.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Does what happens in the '90s stay in the '90s?</b></div>
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Did I mention how much I just want to punch Scott Wolf in his face? It's not like he could do anything about it. Oddly enough, for him being one half of a dynamic ass-kicking duo, something inside me is not convinced that he actually knows any martial arts. Call it a hunch. All he does in the movie is wildly swing his arms around and act like a complete douche to everyone he knows. Oh, but it's okay, because he's a wiseacre. Mark Dacascos plays the "responsible" one.<br />
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They should have picked someone less athletically inclined over Dacascos, by the way. It's painfully obvious how much more skilled he is whenever there's a fight scene involving him and Wolf. That reminds me, if you haven't seen <i>Brotherhood of the Wolf</i> (no relation), you have my blessing to stop reading this review so you can fix that glaring error in judgment. If it spares you this train wreck, I take thank-yous in the form of Paypal donations.<br />
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The unfortunate thing is that the first half of <i>Double Dragon</i> is an entertaining train wreck. So many hilarious things are introduced that I don't care how stupid any of them are. There's an overly-long car chase involving a flamethrower-powered station wagon and some of the worst video-game-inspired graphics and car controls I've bore witness to, but other than that, the laughs keep coming.<br />
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<b>I just..........okay, sure.</b></div>
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Once the plot is explained (ish), it wants to keep me invested, only it's too shitty to be able to do that effectively. At around 55 minutes, I'm already thinking ahead to what monstrosity I have to review next. There's not much to say, really. It just gets boring. Wolf's comic relief has already worn out its welcome long ago, and Dacascos -not that his career is exemplary - is totally slumming it.<br />
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I can't review <i>Double Dragon</i> without talking about Alyssa Milano, who's really and truly in this movie. She plays the leader of an underground group of rabble rousers who want to rid the city of all gang activity. Oh, yea. I forgot. The movie takes place in 2007, and heavy natural disasters have reduced society to, um, I'm not really sure. There are normal people, cops, and gang members. The gang members only come out at night, and the cops have a truce with them. None of that shit makes any sense whatsoever, but eh. It's a movie based on a game where the entire point is to walk from left to right, punching extras from Beat It in the face. You get what you get. Ah, but Alyssa Milano wants to change all that. I think the crux of her existence is to lull evil-doers into a trance by being as deceptively attractive as humanly possible. Seriously, her choice of wardrobe almost makes me second guess how gorgeous she is. As my wife said when I showed her a screen cap, "She looks like a hot little boy."<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5ySOFgCPxSuq49qeg8ST-slbUFa1DCMfqqBKz7VLVM75huuEX4w3M6Sqzzcof0ktZ2XFmkp2Ozh7pwJVEULxLep6D75AXqSdL_eafg6zwMf4FaFfqBofX24HiUyHnbLoA9Jz-gX-0wkBB/s1600/Alyssa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5ySOFgCPxSuq49qeg8ST-slbUFa1DCMfqqBKz7VLVM75huuEX4w3M6Sqzzcof0ktZ2XFmkp2Ozh7pwJVEULxLep6D75AXqSdL_eafg6zwMf4FaFfqBofX24HiUyHnbLoA9Jz-gX-0wkBB/s320/Alyssa.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>Not cool, Alyssa Milano. Those house painter's leg wraps and Eminem haircut do not do you justice.</b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKwqXYKg0gSL4Fu9VrEObyn6ZhxmUwQOzzsOPBbjnm9SK6emD31l_gC0zjAuDzzkbGK-OQq14CRCEleXT0kmepeviblMGtb7bOIdBLdMw9yn2Sj6WDyPysJpeGvQdrwcg2vjV85gdUqUNO/s1600/AlyssaAss.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKwqXYKg0gSL4Fu9VrEObyn6ZhxmUwQOzzsOPBbjnm9SK6emD31l_gC0zjAuDzzkbGK-OQq14CRCEleXT0kmepeviblMGtb7bOIdBLdMw9yn2Sj6WDyPysJpeGvQdrwcg2vjV85gdUqUNO/s320/AlyssaAss.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b>...although, most things in life can be overlooked under certain circumstances.</b></div>
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Even the mighty gravitational pull of Alyssa Milano's ass cannot save this movie from starting out hilariously bad but ending up just plain ol' bad. The initial shock of crazy wears off way before the end credits roll, so what's left is a jumbled mess of filmmakers bullshitting their way through a non-story story. It can be fascinating to watch if you're in the mood, but the charm won't last unless you're either tripping balls or writing a research paper.<br />
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Next week, I'll be reviewing <i>Street Fighter</i>, and I'm honestly stoked about it. I have it on DVD, but I haven't watched it in something like ten years. You can look forward to me admiring Van Damme a lot and remarking on how they should have cast a more established actor to play Bison. Until next time, here's to Alyssa Milano's pastel-covered ass.<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-23843321347678206132013-01-19T04:32:00.002-07:002013-01-21T16:20:19.684-07:00I See Boobs and Stuff - Burlesque (2010)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKHlkQtmFZpiffnJ_HfdnvRyB225s9qNUR0D8Se0Sb_IrSNVwitbTAuQUfZv2tYXvPm6id6bkkJE0Exdjp5CZoeM67vCcP7JR1yhuCF0IFZ1whyphenhyphenipDrpwH3e_5YmXVFSOAdZZwtheJ7dab/s1600/Xtina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKHlkQtmFZpiffnJ_HfdnvRyB225s9qNUR0D8Se0Sb_IrSNVwitbTAuQUfZv2tYXvPm6id6bkkJE0Exdjp5CZoeM67vCcP7JR1yhuCF0IFZ1whyphenhyphenipDrpwH3e_5YmXVFSOAdZZwtheJ7dab/s1600/Xtina.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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Just so you know, this was my wife's choice of entertainment a few nights ago. We tend to trade off; I'll pick a movie, then she picks one. I'm just informing you of the situation, because <i>Burlesque</i> isn't the kind of thing I watch all the time. You might think I'm going to rip it a new one, but while it's not a good movie, there are things to enjoy about it. I'm pretty sure you can figure out what one of those things is, but I'll keep you in suspense until you click through. I'm diabolical that way.<br />
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I'll get all the bad stuff out of the way first. It's basically every cliched story about young people wanting to be famous rolled up into a single movie. Christina Aguilera plays Ali, who's - you guessed it - a girl from a small town just looking to make it big. Of course, the burlesque club she wants to work at happens to be in financial trouble and is about to get shut down. Tess, the owner (Cher), is desperately in need of a new act to spice up the show and bring new asses in the seats. What a coincidence! Yep, Aguilera ends up saving the day with her amazing vocals and choreographed routines. Then there's the love interest who's also musically inclined but has never finished a song. They don't get together until near the end, because he just can't see a good thing when it's right in front of him. Blah, blah, it's the same exact shit you've seen in a million other movies.<br />
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That's really all the bad there is, so while my actual list of flaws isn't huge, that's because it's the general idea that I'm against. Other than that, it's solidly acted, sidesteps at least a few cliches, and has a lot of eye candy for people like me who might not be, uh, not as interested otherwise.<br />
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Ah, yes. Did you see that coming? It shouldn't be that much of a surprise that the girls kept me more invested than I should have been. In a nutshell, this movie is a less trashy <i>Showgirls</i>. Plus, <i>Burlesque</i> has Kristen Bell, which <i>Showgirls</i> is sorely lacking. For starters, her character is another bad cliche. Until Aguilera shows up, she's the joint's main girl, and she doesn't take kindly to being upstaged. She's also a raging drunk, so that was working against her. But I admired how the movie didn't bring that whole horrible bitch situation to a ridiculous head. She pretty much gets over it, which you don't often see in movies like this. Well, Bell tried to bring the house down on Aguilera, but she didn't know her voice could implode organs with sheer volume. All of that aside, Kristen Bell does a routine in one of these numbers:<br />
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In case you skipped that last picture, it's cool. I have another one:<br />
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Then there's the redhead that looks like Lindsay Lohan <i>should</i> look right now. I kinda wish she had a bigger part.<br />
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<b>Somewhere, Lindsay is crying in front of a mirror and cursing her destructive genes</b></div>
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On the polar opposite of the spectrum, Cher looks like she painted her face once, and it dried. From the bottom of her eyelids to the top of her eyebrows, she can emote. Her lips also still move around a bit, but everything in-between is stuck in permanent cryo-sleep. That might sound harsh, but Jesus. That much plastic surgery should either be illegal or kill you. That being said, I actually really like her. She makes her character seem like a tad bit more than the script allows for. Just for the record, I think her singing voice has dropped an octave. It's unique and pretty sweet, but holy crap is it deep.<br />
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The last thing I'll say is that it's very close to cheating to have Stanley Tucci in your movie. <i>Captain America</i> almost learned that too late, but it was able to kill him off before he did anything worthwhile.<br />
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<b>Just enough Tucci to not suck; Not enough to actually be good</b></div>
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<b> Full-on Tucci cheating</b></div>
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So, in the end, I can't in good conscience recommend <i>Burlesque</i> to anyone who isn't in it for the music, music, music. In that department, you'll be satisfied, but as a movie? It's a retread of everything this kind of thing has always been. Come for Christina's voice and assets, and stay for...yea, that.<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-74103503617452338212013-01-18T21:52:00.000-07:002013-01-18T21:52:19.943-07:00Trailer for Spring Breakers; or, Please Just Kill Me Now<br />
Watch this trailer, then hit the jump where I go off on a rant about how absolutely stupid and awful this looks.<br />
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Okay. Near as I can tell, this movie is about four psychopathic young girls who don't have a single brain between them. They don't have enough money to spend spring break in "style," so they decide to rob some place with automatic weapons. Then, they get into some shit they weren't expecting when they meet an obviously shady character (really, James Franco?) and decide to party with drug dealers. I'm assuming it all spirals downhill from there and they get more than they bargained for. Let me tell you, my sympathy for these women is through the roof.<br />
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Obviously, I haven't seen the movie, so I don't really know if I'm supposed to sympathize with them or not. Either way, I just don't give a shit about anything this movie has to offer. I especially like the line right before they go into a shop guns blazing, where one of them says, "Pretend like it's a video game." Great. That's just what we need. Vapid dialogue that will only perpetuate the myth of video games being responsible for real-life violence. Honestly, the only satisfaction I could ever get out of this is if it ends with all four of them dead at the bottom of the ocean. Then, and only then, would it be appropriate to crank up the dubstep.<br />
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I know, the director wrote <i>Kids</i> and <i>Ken Park</i> (which I've only seen some of). Still...this looks like garbage. And to top it all off, the trailer ends with the gang singing a Britney Spears song. Even if this turns out to be some kind of commentary, it won't engage me when I have to sit through <b>that</b>.<br />
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Maybe I'm way off the mark here. By all means, let me know if you want to set me straight.<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-56935669188643487942013-01-18T10:00:00.000-07:002013-01-18T10:00:07.776-07:00Just in Time for the Weekend<br />
If you ever needed a reason to love Friday even more than you already do, listening to Gary Busey talk about Hobbits is that reason. Trust me, it really is.<br />
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Happy Friday!<br />
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<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-13295485773042413892013-01-16T17:32:00.000-07:002013-01-17T01:16:06.941-07:00You Got Some Video Games in my Movies - Super Mario Bros. (1993)<br />
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I've decided to go the <a href="http://dementeddoorknob.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Nick Jobe</a> route and review every video game movie ever made. I'll be watching them in chronological order, or at least that's the plan. If I can't get a hold of some of the lesser-known ones, I'll be sure to note that and move on to the next one. Keep in mind that I'm bypassing documentaries and animated features, focusing only on live-action movies. It's too bad that I won't get to watch <i>Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie</i> for this purpose, but that won't stop me from watching it on my own anyways. Although there are a ton of horrible, horrible movies based on video games, I assume I'm still going to have fun with this project. As I'm sure some of you know, I don't mind watching garbage, and while doing so, I'll be pleasantly surprised at least a few times. I hope. So, without further ado, I'll start things off with the grand daddy of video game movies, <i>Super Mario Bros.</i><br />
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<b><span style="color: #76a5af;">DVD case accolades:</span></b><br />
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<b>"It's a blast!"</b><br />
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- The Washington Post</blockquote>
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<b>"Eye-popping special effects!"</b><br />
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- Sixty Second Preview</blockquote>
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I was really hoping to start this video game movie project off with some sort of a bang, but it was not to be. <i>Super Mario Bros.</i> is exactly what you'd expect from the first attempt at adapting a video game from the '80s into a movie: It makes no sense and horribly sucks. I got what was coming to me, though, so I'm not complaining.<br />
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I guess I'll tell you something about the story, but who really cares? The games obviously have no story, so the filmmakers decided to try and shove in as many references to them as they could while still making a compelling narrative. Well, they got it half right, at least. Let's see, there's a storefront shop called Bullet Bill's, a heavily modified Yoshi, bob-ombs, stupid rocket boots, Goombas, and last but not least, King Koopa as played by a sort-of-bored-looking Dennis Hopper. I don't think he really "got" what the hell was going on, but hey, he has weird hair!<br />
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Okay, fine. It's about two plumbers who get sucked into another dimension where dinosaurs survived a meteor impact 65 million years ago and have continued to evolve along a similar path as humans. The meteor impact somehow created an alternate dimension that can be reached through a sewer tunnel underneath Brooklyn. There you have it. Yea, don't ask me, I only watched the thing.<br />
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As stupid as that story is, there's a bigger problem than just the premise. <i>Super Mario Bros.</i> came out in 1993, and at the time, I was ten-years-old. This movie was marketed to me and my friends. It wasn't marketed to a savvy movie-going audience who'd already seen all the comic book and game adaptations of the past 20 years. So, sticking with the logic of the time, the games are for children, and as such, the movie should follow suit. There's a lot of really lame humor throughout (104 minutes, by the way. 20 minutes too long.), such as Koopa asking for a pizza hold the mammal, and I got bored shortly after I finished my first beer. Yes, beer is required when viewing these kinds of movies. Look it up.<br />
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<b>At least three beers, actually.</b></div>
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There are just a lot of basic things that <i>Super Mario Bros.</i> gets stupidly wrong. The two moronic goons tasked with kidnapping the princess have no idea what she looks like, and when asked by his partner how he knows which girl is the right one, he says she has "two arms, one head, and two legs." Right, that has to be her! I might be wrong about this, but I also think someone tried to slip in a message about God and faith under our noses, because there are a couple of lingering shots of stained-glass Jesus at the beginning when Princess Daisy is abandoned at the church, and at least 5 or 6 times, Luigi tells Mario he has to believe. It's a weird subtext to have in a movie about dinosaur humans and dimension-shattering meteors. Then there's the awesome and handy machine that evolves and devolves things at the flick of a switch, and the fact that most computer monitors are controlled by a light gun. And why are the Goombas 8-foot-tall lizards with shrunken heads and perma-smiles? That's a standing question. Lastly, Koopa's OCD thing about being clean is totally weird, even for this movie. Every time he shakes someone's hand, he has to wipe with a tissue, and he takes mud baths because "They're clean and dirty at the same time." I wonder if that was Hopper trying to add some bizarreness to an otherwise totally bland character, but even if that's the case, he still seems like he's phoning it in. I probably would, too.<br />
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<b>?</b></div>
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On the other hand, Bob Hoskins is certainly not phoning it in. His energy level is quite high, and I can't help but like him. Oh, but my adult brain can see through <b>that</b> nasty little trick. It's not Mario I like, it's Eddie Valiant from <i>Who Framed Roger Rabbit</i>. Maybe it's simply the Brooklyn accent, but it seems like he's just playing a cleaner, goofier, and nicer version of Valiant here. As for John Leguizamo, he's kind of annoying. Not egregiously so, but for an actor who's been in a some really good stuff, all he does is crack bad jokes and accidentally get things right when he needs to. Anyone could have done that.<br />
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There's not much else to discuss about <i>Super Mario Bros.</i> I wish I could say differently, but my enjoyment level was just about at zero. It's a movie squarely aimed at kids, but in the worst way. Terrible jokes, a nonsensical story that ham-fists video game references in place of actual context, and an overly-long run time make it an unfortunate snooze fest. It's interesting to watch as a kind of time capsule experiment or something, but otherwise, it's a sad relic. But hey, I'm sure I'll be redeemed next week when I sit through <i>Double Dragon</i>, am I right? C'mon, am I right? Shit.<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-24538970983702375152013-01-12T10:00:00.000-07:002013-01-12T10:00:04.562-07:00Let Me Take You to Hell - Valhalla Rising (2009)<br />
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<i>Valhalla Rising</i> is an insanely atmospheric, slow-burning, contemplative, and violent story of an escaped slave (Mads Mikkelsen) who makes his way across the ocean in a very bizarre, very bloody journey of redemption(?) and/or fate(?). It's kind of like something out of the repertoire of Terrence Malick or Lars von Trier, only I actually liked it. A lot. It's probably not for everyone, but I dug the hell out of the gorgeous visuals, striking brutality, and methodical nature of the film.<br />
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It's broken into six parts, and each one deals with a new section of the journey. Fair warning, I'll be describing a lot of the movie, but trust me, it won't encompass everything. A lot of the experience is the camerawork, visuals, and style, so my narration shouldn't lessen any of the impact.<br />
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<i>Part I: Wrath</i><br />
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It kind of has the atmosphere of a horror movie in some respects. I'm not exactly sure where they're supposed to be (somewhere in Scotland, probably), but it's up in the mountains, covered in fog, and windy as hell. I can almost feel the wind as it howls around the men wrapped in cloaks, leading around their enslaved warrior. The music is pretty much just a few eerie tones and drum beats that really make everything feel unsettling and dream-like. Given that it's about a man in captivity forced to fight to the death every day while bound around the neck and tied to a pole, I'd say it's fitting. Also, holy crap, it's a brutal movie. A man gets beaten to death with a rock to the point his brain is showing, and another guy gets his guts ripped out and thrown on the ground in front of him while he's tied to a boulder. Good stuff (For me; not so much for them.).<br />
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Refn is apparently quite fond of silent protagonists, isn't he? The main character doesn't utter a word in the entirety of the first part, and I doubt he'll be giving any speeches any time soon. Being forced to defend his life on a daily basis has turned this guy into a very efficient killing machine, to boot. There's no screwing around: If you come at him, he'll literally eat the flesh from your neck and let it hang out of his mouth. I am not shitting you.<br />
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That's pretty much what I've learned from Part I. One Eye (that's right; he has, well, one eye) will silently allow you to enslave him for years until that <b>one</b> day he slits your throat with an arrowhead he found while bathing. Watch your back.<br />
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<i>Part II: Silent Warrior</i><br />
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Early on, One Eye escapes his captors and comes back to inflict some vengeance. He, uh...doesn't let them off easy. After going what I would consider temporarily insane, he sets off with the young boy of the chieftain who enslaved him. Along the way, they encounter some Christian Crusaders during their wanderings. When they realize One Eye isn't a Christian, one of the Crusaders almost attempts to kill him, but is talked out of it since one of them knows One Eye just got finished doing this:<br />
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So, not wanting their own heads on a different set of pikes, they allow him to accompany them on their ship bound for Jerusalem. It's a really short section, only about 10 minutes long.<br />
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<i>Part III: Men of God</i><br />
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Once aboard the ship, their journey soon becomes a nightmare, as a never ending mist envelops them and drains them of all hope and courage. One Eye just sits around, dreaming about ocean water, his own face, and things that have yet to pass, all in a blood-red hue. I think that's what all true bad asses dreamed about back then. Meanwhile, the Crusaders start to suspect a curse is upon them, and they finger the boy as the cause of all their misfortune. I'll just say that trying to remedy that doesn't go over well with One Eye.<br />
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<i>Part IV: The Holy Land</i><br />
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Well, the Holy Land doesn't turn out to be quite as holy as they thought it would be. Of course, that's because they didn't make it to Jerusalem. They never knew what direction they were sailing in, so they could be anywhere, really. They spend this section of the movie exploring the wilderness, hunting, and getting irritated at their predicament. It's actually a pretty idyllic setting, but something is off-putting about their surroundings. The one constant that has haunted them up to this point - the mist - is still present, as is the ominous score.<br />
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<i>Part V: Hell</i><br />
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Well, everything kind of goes to shit in this section. Everyone starts going mad from starvation or something, and one dude even rapes another one while he's face down in the muck. Not sure where that came from, exactly, but if there was to be a closet man-rapist among this bunch, it would always be that guy. He just has that closet man-rapist look about him.<br />
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After the raping, they congregate and figure out that there's no food, and they're all kind of screwed. The leader of the Crusaders keeps telling them that this is all God's plan, and that they'll forge a new Jerusalem, blah, blah. Everyone knows this trip is a bust, and the group splinters. Some by walking away, others by bleeding out of the top of their head.<br />
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<i>Part VI: The Sacrifice</i><br />
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The sixth part is the final chapter, and I think I'll leave it undescribed. It's not that there's some crazy Shyamalan-esque twist or anything, but I feel like I've narrated enough already. In my own defense, even though I've told you about a lot of the beats of the movie, it doesn't really matter. I could describe every single thing that happens, and you still wouldn't get the flow or feel of it. Refn followed this up with <i>Drive</i>, which is another awesome flick. I fully expect <i>Only God Forgives</i> (his next one with Ryan Gosling) to kick all kinds of ass. Refn is like the perfect mix of auteur and a more standard director. <i>Valhalla Rising</i> is streaming on Netflix, so if you have an hour-and-a-half to spare, definitely check it out.<br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-88055254576962180022013-01-11T15:18:00.000-07:002013-01-11T15:18:37.960-07:00Just in Time for the Weekend<br />
Friday is obviously my favorite day of the week, so I'd like to spread the cheer. How should I do that? By giving you this video of Dolph Lundgren doing a song-and-dance routine of Elvis' "A Little Less Conversation," of course. I think <i>The Expendables 3</i> should be a musical.<br />
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Happy Friday!<br />
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Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-5512248711885073372013-01-10T16:00:00.000-07:002013-01-10T22:38:26.272-07:00Re-imagining Roles, Vol. 1<br />
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Let's be honest here. I need a feature on my blog or it's just going to go to waste. So, ta da! Re-imagining Roles is born! The idea is that I'll pick a role that you couldn't possibly see any other actor playing, and then describe what would happen if someone else was afforded the chance. It might suck; it might be awesome. Only time will tell. So, for the first installment, I'm going to pick on one of my favorite punching bags: Keanu Reeves in <i>The Matrix</i>. How much better would it have been with someone else in the role? <br />
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Original casting: Keanu Reeves and his banana phone as Neo in <i>The Matrix</i><br />
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Re-imagining Roles casts instead: Christian Bale (without a banana phone, sadly)<br />
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Keanu Reeves is a scientific puzzle worthy of decades of study. How can he play so many characters with the same blank stare like 800 times in a row? In <i>The Matrix</i>, it's no different. Neo moves along with the bewilderment of a 3-year-old that catches on a little too slowly, but I can't help but root for the guy. The role doesn't require that much acting ability, after all, and he's not horrible the whole time, so I'm not complaining too much. Still, how much better would lines like "I know kung-fu" or "There is no spoon" have been if they were spoken by Bale? He could have played it like a mix between his characters in <i>The Machinist</i> and <i>The Dark Knight</i>: A little weird and paranoid at first, but as he finds out more about himself and the world, he starts acting more like a confident bad ass. I think it would have worked.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Keanu could have bent himself a little more for the role if you ask me.</b></div>
<br />
Most of you probably can't see Bale doing the kind of martial arts on display in <i>The Matrix</i>, but I never pictured Keanu doing any of that crap either. At least I never thought that the guy who was in <i>The Devil's Advocate</i> would be working with Yuen Woo-ping doing wire flips and shit. Speaking of <i>The Devil's Advocate</i>, Matthew McConaughey should have played Keanu's character. At least that way, he wouldn't have had that terrible, terrible southern accent. I'm assuming that's what it was supposed to be.<br />
<br />
Anyways, I also think scenes like the one in the oracle's kitchen would have been a lot better with Bale. Not that I don't buy Keanu as a guy who just doesn't know anything about anything (Because I do. I really do.), but Bale would have been a stronger sell in the soul-searching department.<br />
<br />
So, there you have it. Would you keep Keanu or dump him for Batman? <br />
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-65157508830349910532012-12-21T08:00:00.000-07:002013-01-11T18:29:49.618-07:00End of the World Double Feature: 2012: Doomsday (2008) and 2012: Supernova (2009)<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrOIfsUlJV4M5kS7mDnBiBzde5uWQF2Uv1j0aRrd7vOCKhSGaQJdarMf13mk3QrgI8JIB5_a2_m-mDj7RKjjDln4ofxmuKuf-EHrm0h0XR1rtJCVhH-CVbWvfgSjI302MjikwjrLxEZqhA/s1600/2012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrOIfsUlJV4M5kS7mDnBiBzde5uWQF2Uv1j0aRrd7vOCKhSGaQJdarMf13mk3QrgI8JIB5_a2_m-mDj7RKjjDln4ofxmuKuf-EHrm0h0XR1rtJCVhH-CVbWvfgSjI302MjikwjrLxEZqhA/s320/2012.jpg" height="177" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
I figured I'd have a little fun with the world ending and all, so what better way to do that than by having a doomsday double header? It's not with anything as fancy as <i>2012</i> or <i>Deep Impact</i>, but they passed the time alright. So, without further ado, the last paragraphs I'll ever write are as follows:<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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<br />
You know a movie is going to be horrible when the first on-screen credit says "Faith Films presents." At least <i><b>I</b></i> know it's going to be horrible when I see that. It doesn't take long for the proof to begin rolling in, though. The story starts in Orizaba, Mexico, as an archaeologist is excavating a Mayan temple. There's a smoldering volcano in the background, and their "calculations" as to when it's going to blow just went from days to hours. On a side note, the archaeologist guy pulls out a seismograph that was just begging to be screen-capped, but as I paused and looked at it, I found it to be pretty credible. I was surprised and disappointed, in that order. On the other hand, when it comes to the movie as a whole, I'm happy to report I was neither of those things. My expectations were already way too low to be disappointed or shocked.<br />
<br />
Anyways, one of their interns (skinny kid, dresses like shit) runs up and tells them the third chamber of the temple has been opened due to the earthquakes, so they all go check it out. The intern gets killed by a shitty-looking CGI rock like 3 minutes later, which I thought was pretty funny. So, the archaeologist and his estranged wife who inexplicably shows up just to forward the theme of faith through adversity go into the Mayan temple where they find a crucifix. They're both dumbfounded, but they don't have time to mouth-breathe on the artifact for too long, since the temple is collapsing. From here on out, it's a race to get the crucifix to Chichen Itza so a miracle baby can be born during the end of the world as we know it.<br />
<br />
For a movie about the impending destruction of the entire world, it focuses way too much on too many characters. Everyone's story is stretched too thin to have any kind of impact, but that doesn't stop the movie from having each character deal with agonizing dialogue about faith. There's the archaeologist and his wife, an EMT who lost her faith, a Christian missionary and her photojournalist friend (who also lost his faith), and the father of the EMT (who happens to advise the president on climate issues and has also lost his faith). I'm no film scholar, but I think the movie has to do with faith, even though it's using the Christian god as the root of a Maya prophesy that the filmmakers totally made up to begin with.<br />
<br />
I mean, they can't even get their mythology right. "It's happening just like
they predicted 2,000 years ago," says the archaeologist. Wait, who predicted it? The Maya long
count calendar was created well over 2,000 years ago. Is he talking
about Jesus? Jesus used the Maya calendar to predict December 21, 2012
as the apocalypse? But it didn't predict anything, it eventually just ran out of days. What the hell is going on here? Who wrote this?<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Bonus: Mayan Jesus crucifix also makes an excellent hand crank.</b></div>
<br />
Whatever. Through various means, each character is drawn to Chichen Itza in order to help a woman give birth to a baby. None of them know why they have the need to get there, but they trust that they're doing the right thing. Along the way, I was delighted to listen to conversations by people giving crappy emotional arguments against believing in God, only to have the believer retaliate with stuff about seeing the sun, clouds, and trees and it being obvious everything was created. Hey, look, I came here to see buildings get destroyed. Fire, brimstone, earthquakes, dogs and cats living together, that sort of thing. What I actually got was a few seconds of the ground being split and an extremely brief spectacle at the end. The 80 or so minutes in-between are just a bunch of people talking about the need for believing in something. I rail against Roland Emmerich and his disaster porn, sure, but God is playing a cruel trick on me if this is the only alternative.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>One of only 2 or 3 disaster porn shots. It's not exactly satisfying.</b></div>
<br />
I just don't understand who this movie is supposed to be for. People expecting more crazy effects, death, and carnage certainly aren't going to be pleased. People looking to watch a movie about how good Jesus can be in your life if you'd only let him should probably have issues with the Mayan plot. It's the worst of both worlds, and I don't even know what this miracle baby is supposed to do to help anyone. Dammit, Faith Films. You've let me down. Probably not for the last time, but you're now on notice.<br />
<br />
Here are a few thoughts I jotted down as I was watching the film:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>It's always frustrating when the girl you have "a history" with is randomly brought in behind your back to take over your excavation site.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Judging only by the first 10 minutes, I would have guessed this movie was <i>Indiana Jones: Low-budget Jesus Edition</i>.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Why does the climate scientist have to explain to his team what the red and green bits on the weather simulation are? Or, could he...could he be talking to me through the clever script?!?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>A vegetarian missionary girl at the heart of the doomsday prophecy who just happens to be the daughter of the climate scientist advising the president is the key to not only my salvation, but yours, too.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Contrary to what this movie wants you to believe, even the Mayas <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/mexicos-ethnic-maya-unmoved-2012-armageddon-hysteria-132840695.html" target="_blank">don't give a shit</a> about our December 21, 2012 hysteria.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>If a Mayan girl gives birth to a new Jesus, won't some people be pissed that he's not white?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Important climate scientists must always scream into the phone in order to be heard, even though the person on the other end is talking in a normal voice.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>It's so obvious that the snow is only right in front of the camera and not all around the environment. Just saying.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Man, the end of the world is boring.</li>
</ul>
<br />
Oh, well. On to the next masterpiece, <i>2012: Supernova</i>.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
Well, it's loads better than <i>2012: Doomsday</i>. At least there's some action and suspense, whereas in the Mayan Jesus movie, there was too much talky-talky and not enough pyramids exploding in slow-motion. Also, this one starred Brian Krause, who played Leo, the mortal-turned-angel-turned-mortal in the T.V. show <i>Charmed</i>. That's something, right?<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>He was also in this.</b></div>
<br />
The plot is very straight-forward: There's a wave of destruction caused by a supernova heading toward Earth, and T.V.'s Brian Krause is the only astrophysicist who can stop it. The plan is to get aboard an orbiting space station and launch a shitload of nukes at the wave before it makes contact with the planet. That way, it will act as a shield against the radiation and whatever the hell is going on. It's science. As one would expect, one man can't get that kind of a job done by himself. That would be silly. So, to aid him in his quest is a fake Russian guy and a hot Asian chick. Don't worry, they take care of all those complex calculations related to the space crap so nobody else has to.<br />
<br />
While I won't go so far as to say this is a good movie, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. There's a little family drama, with his wife and daughter having to fend for themselves out in the deserts of...Oregon? I think it's Oregon. Wherever they are, they have to deal with stuff like roads splitting in half, falling transformers, horny rednecks, and tornadoes. All Brian Krause has to think about is punching numbers into a console and fighting the hot Asian chick.<br />
<br />
Speaking of the hot Asian chick (as I'm wont to do), her role was completely obvious from early on. I honestly don't know if the audience wasn't supposed to pick up on her (<b>spoilers</b>) being the black-clad ninja assassin, but anyone with half a brain could tell it's a woman under there. Plus, she's the only woman in the movie besides T.V.'s Brian Krause's wife and daughter, so....yea. The worst part about it is the fact that her sabotage goes completely unexplained. I have no idea why whoever sent her apparently wants the world to explode, but I guess it's better this way. Who needs something like a coherent plot when there's a running clock counting down toward certain doom?<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>Seconds after punching him in the face. Not suspicious at all.</b></div>
<br />
I don't know, there are worse ways to spend 87 minutes of my life. I enjoyed listening to the one guy try out his best Russian accent while reading through mostly-vapid scientific blathering. I think they missed a golden opportunity to have him ride a warhead like Steve Buscemi in <i>Armageddon</i>, only in broken English and with a worse haircut.<br />
<br />
I don't have much else to say about <i>2012: Supernova</i>. It's a decent little disaster flick for what it is, even if the ending is a bit of an emotional cop-out. If the end of the world ever does become a possibility, I definitely want T.V.'s Brian Krause throwing up a bubble shield around us.<br />
<br />
Again, here are some random thoughts I had while watching:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Using stock footage for shuttle launches never fails, because they all look like the same one.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Why is he being shot at? Does the astrophysicist tasked with preventing doomsday know too much?</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>If you're trying to get answers out of someone, shooting at them with Uzis will not accomplish your goal.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>The Russian scientist just introduced himself as "The People's Republic of Vodka." He's also drinking on the job.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Another bit player got taken out by a giant rock. I'm on to your tricks, Asylum!</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Most repetitive, plot-reminding dialogue ever.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li><i>The Day After Tomorrow</i> may have people trying to outrun cold weather, but <i>2012: Supernova</i> has them running away from lightning. I don't know which movie wins in this category.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Why are only 3 people planning out the defense of the entire world against a supernova? NASA has, like, 50 people coordinating routine shuttle launches.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>Furious keystrokes are the mark of a true typing genius.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<ul>
<li>I will never get tired of actors pretending like the room is shaking when it's really just the camera.</li>
</ul>
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-2691494706381132852012-12-15T16:15:00.001-07:002013-01-11T19:12:33.715-07:00The Adventures of Snow Plisskin - Lockout (2012)<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Going in to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lockout</i>,
I was honestly expecting a turd fest to some degree. I’d heard mostly negative
things about it: It’s dumb, it’s obviously low-budget, etc. Well, it is both of
those things, but they’re part of its charm. The difference between this and
something I usually bag on is the film’s matter-of-fact nature and the cast.
The film doesn't pretend to be something it's not, and even though the story is as straight as an arrow (for the most part), a solid
cast and a director not getting in the way helps a lot. There’s nothing quite
like a dumb, fun action movie.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The story centers around Snow (Guy Pierce), some kind of
Special Forces dude who’s in a lot of trouble. He’s obviously being framed for
a murder that has to do with government secrets or something. It doesn’t really
matter what he’s being set up for. Someone is pulling the strings, and he’s
being hanged because of it. Meanwhile, the president’s daughter is being held
on an orbiting penal station as a hostage for the newly-escaped prisoners.
Snow’s only way out of his predicament is to sneak into the station, rescue the
president’s daughter, and prove his innocence (which coincidentally has to do with an inmate aboard the station). Of course, there has to be an asshole Secret
Service agent always on his case or this wouldn’t be a true frame job. Luckily, that character is played by the awesome Peter Stormare, who will forever in my mind be the gross eyeball surgeon from <i>Minority Repor</i>t and the guy from the <a href="http://youtu.be/4HxT3eWAFDY" target="_blank">weird German car commercials</a>. The bulk
of the film takes place on the station, and besides the punching and whatnot, a
lot of the engaging bits are due to Pierce being a near-relentless wiseass.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-pssuIG70XINPnu4qXRpEfRFtJEhVOTdfmZl_UNnlh485XEn7aQ6Qijni_1ZJqZdgEbQ74sg9xEjh43W615Ekfe3JrXlhSVybn2_IsnLkfuhDv9GgiKGBcENQFzHgf_0Fu9s4qWfA9_9_/s1600/Snow.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-pssuIG70XINPnu4qXRpEfRFtJEhVOTdfmZl_UNnlh485XEn7aQ6Qijni_1ZJqZdgEbQ74sg9xEjh43W615Ekfe3JrXlhSVybn2_IsnLkfuhDv9GgiKGBcENQFzHgf_0Fu9s4qWfA9_9_/s1600/Snow.png" height="133" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>Like it or not, you'll see a lot of this face.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maggie Grace was one
of my favorite things about this movie. Usually, the girl is just there for eye
candy and/or as a means of moving the plot forward. Again, that’s the case
here, but she really sold the character. She played the president’s daughter
with unusual balance, at least in my eyes. Typically, you’ll see either a
brain-dead ditz or a woman who’s written extremely poorly in the opposite
direction to compensate for the stereotype.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She seemed more like an intelligent person who’s never been in this kind
of situation before. Guy Pierce was also pretty bad ass, and even though I
won’t disagree that he’s pulling the ol’ gruff, joke-cracking hero who seems
like a dick, but you know he’ll get the job done routine, he does it with
such abandon that I felt compelled to just let it gloriously wash over me. Case-in-point, early on, while being
interrogated (punched repeatedly in the face) and asked who his informant is,
his only reply is, “His name’s Fuck You. He’s Asian.” You’ll get various
mileage out of his comebacks and one-liners, but for the most part, they’re
funny and keep the mood light.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgECWcKmTLWArJGkTllLJWf7FkbLSyFzYerIWUAVxld9nGKQ3fFQrBz1iUS328vQs9SqZw2qhqXrOdWwLUeHH4r5d_BFr3-cP4c_wOPCfl6jYly8y_H-ORH4A206ev4Kg9Tq8bax0eDU827/s1600/Grace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgECWcKmTLWArJGkTllLJWf7FkbLSyFzYerIWUAVxld9nGKQ3fFQrBz1iUS328vQs9SqZw2qhqXrOdWwLUeHH4r5d_BFr3-cP4c_wOPCfl6jYly8y_H-ORH4A206ev4Kg9Tq8bax0eDU827/s1600/Grace.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b>Sexiest bloody bullet wound I've seen in at least the past 4 months.</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s obviously a low-budget film, and the motorcycle chase
toward the beginning has some of the worst effects I’ve seen this decade. Aside
from that anomaly, the visuals are actually pretty good, even though they’re
not the centerpiece. It’s really all about Guy Pierce running around, trading
barbs with Maggie Grace and getting out of close calls. The bad guys are
suitably quirky and menacing, and although they don’t have a leader with quite
the presence as, say, Hans Gruber, he does a decent job. The relationship between the leader and his second-in-command feels forced, but not enough to significantly detract from the experience. If you don’t go in
expecting the year’s best sci-fi/action flick but rather a well-done, dumb
action movie, you’ll enjoy yourself a lot more than you thought you would.</div>
<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5965560849007021399.post-64509114565285458822012-12-13T10:00:00.000-07:002013-01-26T03:50:56.874-07:00Not Your Mother's Grandma - Shaolin Grandma (2008)<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNpaztfwTR-DjJjIZqabBUZ_2Xoq4tbOmMIlpnKgAJ0U6PnuUYU9Mf_AeiQDZ3NgIou5AVKN5WdCrqOGNqGwd3CbLx9TiJo_PPtXs-kjTJMrAUjzSTPMOuXVv27uZxOAn62MHz_wjA6NjN/s1600/Granny.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNpaztfwTR-DjJjIZqabBUZ_2Xoq4tbOmMIlpnKgAJ0U6PnuUYU9Mf_AeiQDZ3NgIou5AVKN5WdCrqOGNqGwd3CbLx9TiJo_PPtXs-kjTJMrAUjzSTPMOuXVv27uZxOAn62MHz_wjA6NjN/s1600/Granny.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>"Is this the police? There's a dead granny in this house."</i></blockquote>
<br />
And thus begins <i>Shaolin Grandma</i>. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I guess mailmen in Japan will just enter your house if you don't answer them when they scream out that you have a registered letter. At least the one in this movie does, and that's when he finds the dead granny. After calling the police, he sits down in her living room and finds a scroll written by her about her life and starts to read it. Great setup, or <b>greatest setup ever</b>?<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
The scroll tells the tale of her growing up in a Shaolin dojo which she inherited at 20-years-old when her master died. Over the years, many people tried to beat her and take over the school, but none prevailed. Honestly, that's probably because they all seemed like they were picked off the street 20 minutes before shooting started. I'm pretty sure I know more martial arts than anyone in the movie, including granny.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSfhI0W7X45pUDztAhdCY0eSNWx2nIHCoSuXlIHZcbYYs0r2P1XyJXgIGR-Hbc4WlIrv5fFfmbbYcCyMeJolb_fpDsMv_8mDtePWFE-W4HlNA0p_9QCRzDelQyowI5y1bEgrDszhTC5jXJ/s1600/AfroNinja.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSfhI0W7X45pUDztAhdCY0eSNWx2nIHCoSuXlIHZcbYYs0r2P1XyJXgIGR-Hbc4WlIrv5fFfmbbYcCyMeJolb_fpDsMv_8mDtePWFE-W4HlNA0p_9QCRzDelQyowI5y1bEgrDszhTC5jXJ/s1600/AfroNinja.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>I don't even think that's his real hair. Little-known fact: All black people in Japan have afros.</b></div>
<br />
The fights are funny if you're into indulging filmmakers who don't
really know how to stage fights or pick story ideas that even make
good-looking fights possible. I mean, how many 70-year-old women are
there in the world who could do their own stunts?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAoktOGuc5KkaeDFRp_GArR-PpT_aV-JwRPLzAgYc2clJUiJl7IEfxkQokYMWPanEYaBQvj0I7z0hyphenhyphen7JXPOL18-sGu9HKvFOl6BbvGSDp8cIR1oU-HqTHRFDWwaRdl8518q0D8quO3bPdo/s1600/GrannyDouble.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAoktOGuc5KkaeDFRp_GArR-PpT_aV-JwRPLzAgYc2clJUiJl7IEfxkQokYMWPanEYaBQvj0I7z0hyphenhyphen7JXPOL18-sGu9HKvFOl6BbvGSDp8cIR1oU-HqTHRFDWwaRdl8518q0D8quO3bPdo/s1600/GrannyDouble.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>So they had to resort to using this guy/girl.</b></div>
<br />
In any case, they pretty much break down like this: a good 10 seconds of posturing by both sides (granny just standing there, moving her arms around), her opponent awkwardly hitting someone who's supposed to be granny, and then her stunt double haphazardly flipping around. At one point, granny does a punch that blows a man's clothes right off his back. That's the kind of power that would be awesome if she was a 25-year-old model, and instead of her purpose being fighting, it was to have sex. On the other hand, I don't know if I would want to mock that movie, so I think it's better for my blog the way things actually turned out.<br />
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<b>Maybe I'll write my own screenplay and call it "<i>Sexy Time Shaolin</i>," starring Sasha Grey.</b></div>
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One day, an opponent comes along who actually has the ability to beat Shaolin Granny. Shocking, I know. I thought we were dealing with an indestructible force of geriatrics, but I was way off. So, this Hot Chick with an attitude ("Shaolin kung fu is too mundane to beat me.") fights granny and kicks her down a flight of stairs. She apparently has the ability to spin her leg around at the speed of a helicopter blade, mesmerizing granny in the process. Then <b>pow</b>, right in the kisser. I would have thrown my shoe in the middle of Hot Chick's helicopter leg, but that's just me and my western logic. Sometimes, there's simply nothing you can do.<br />
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<b>Helicopter Leg will also fit nicely into my treatment of "<i>Sexy Time Shaolin</i>."</b></div>
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I don't really understand why, but once granny gets kicked down the flight of stairs, all of her pupils except for two of them defect to Afro Guy and Hot Girl's side. Jeez, what a bunch of assholes. Granny stood up for their sorry asses while they got kicked around, and that's how they repay her? She should have been beating them with kitchen utensils while yelling about not tracking mud inside instead of teaching them kung fu. Kids these days, I swear.<br />
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On a side note, I'm not sure the person playing Shaolin Granny was ever aware she was in a movie. She never even opens her mouth, and she hardly ever changes her blank expression. She's probably the director's grandmother or something. Maybe there weren't any other grandmothers out there who wanted to be in this movie, so he tricked his own into pretend-fighting a bunch of idiots while he swooped his camera around. As far as I'm concerned, that theory is as good as any.<br />
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<b>She constantly looks like she doesn't know where she is.</b></div>
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Then there's the bizarre saga of granny and her star pupils working at a nightclub, singing "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, Shaolin!"<br />
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<b>I won't spoil the details for you.</b></div>
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<b>But I will say that she grabs her breasts way too often.</b></div>
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Every once and a while, the story cuts back to the mailman reading the scroll. It's kind of like a macabre version of <i>The Neverending Story</i>, because there's this guy who's totally enamored with what he's reading and can't wait to see what happens next, only he's rifling though a stranger's shit while she lies dead on the floor next to him. Hey, we all cope with stress in our own ways.<br />
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Needless to say, one thing leads to another, and Shaolin Granny finds herself living as a homeless person in a park with nothing but an obsession with gateball and a new suitor. Gateball is kind of like cricket (I <b>guess</b>. What the fuck do I know about cricket?), but more Japanese. After meeting her in her cardboard box-home, the suitor has granny join his gateball club, and soon enough, she's vying with his current girlfriend for his attention. It all culminates with the uppity girlfriend betting granny that she can't beat her in a one-on-one match of gateball. If Uppity Bitch wins, granny has to get out of town. If granny wins, she gets the guy.<br />
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How does it all end? With granny shooting a fiery ball of doom at her face, which simultaneously knocks her out and gives her rabies, of course. Duh.<br />
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<b>Shaolin kung fu translates excellently into gateball.</b></div>
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<b>And also has the added effect of causing people to foam at the mouth.</b></div>
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There's more to the story of Shaolin Granny, but I think I'll end with a single shot rivaling that of any other sweeping romance in the history of storytelling. Kung fu and gateball may have been the catalysts for affection, but true love is only born of fire.<br />
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<b>The end.</b></div>
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p.s. Granny kicks Hot Girl's ass and wins back her dojo. Because that was ever up for debate. She also kills the mailman. Spoilers!<br />
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<br />Sir Phoboshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14352238010072817884noreply@blogger.com0