Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I'm Moving to Canada - Captain America (2011)

Of all the things that are wrong with this movie, the most glaring is the one I also just can't forgive: Captain America has no soul. Steve Rogers isn't a human being; he's America personified. And, man, America personified is boring and shitty.

So boring and shitty, in fact, that I've lost all will to make fun of this mess. I haven't lost the will to live...yet. It didn't make me quite that emo. The only two things I have left to say are:

1) Louis Leterrier actually offered to direct it, but Marvel turned him down. Good job, guys. You shit on the man who directed the Hulk reboot and settled on the one responsible for this. You might object by telling me that Captain America made literally twice the amount of money The Incredible Hulk did. You would be right, but Hulk still made $113.5 million net, and it's actually really good. So suck on that, whoever you are.

2) Tommy Lee Jones has perfected the art of sleeping with his eyes open.

Besides the mostly awful dialogue, one of the most disappointing things is how shitty Chris Evans' acting is in this turd-o-rama. I know for a fact he's a good actor, so the blame falls, once again, on Joe Johnston. Steve Rogers is a cardboard-cutout of the person every American was supposed to look up to in the '40s. I understand. The problem is that almost every single thing that escapes his face makes me want to punch it. All he ever talks about is serving his country, stopping bullies, and also serving his country while stopping bullies. The man doesn't know how to think about anything else, and it shows. What a shitty character to spend 123 minutes with. Thor, while forgettable, is leagues better than this. I'm soooo glad they left this one for last. Marvel probably said to themselves, "Hey, just in case people are actually starting to get excited for The Avengers...BAM! FUCK YOU GUYS! BUAHAHAHAHA!"

Oh, one last thing. I have a working theory in my head that I would like to share with you. I think Joe Johnston actually hates Hugo Weaving. Johnston seems to like casting Weaving in his movies just so he can either introduce him as a bad ass scene-chewer (The Wolfman) and promptly forget about him for the duration, or totally shit on his character who's there the whole time (Captain America). My prediction for their next collaboration is Joe Johnston setting up Hugo Weaving with a shitty character at the onset, forgetting about him for 80 minutes, then bringing him back to suck some more. It's a win-win for Johnston.

Eh, whatever. I was going to have pictures and video and everything. But after writing that last paragraph, I have now turned emo. FML.


  1. I actually found this one enjoyable, but your review is still fun to read. You certainly don't pull any punches.

    Although i was a bit disappointed in Evans in this one. I didn't think his performance was bad, but the actor playing his friend felt much more charismatic. I am sincerely hoping that your right about the material holding Evans back, as i think he was amazing in The Losers

  2. No, his acting was pretty bad. But since we're both aware of him being good in other things, it's obviously how they wanted him to do it. I think the same thing happened with Benicio in The Wolfman. Hmmm, what's the one constant between those two movies? Other than Hugo Weaving.

  3. While I'm not with you overall (it was ok - nothing great, but not hate-worthy either, really), I can get on board with the trashy use of Weaving. What a shitty character Red Skull was. I take that back, he could have been a great character, and Weaving is the god of playing villains, but they turned him into Dr. Claw - all the guy did was run away from Capt in a shiny new vehicle until the final battle, which was weak as shit. Lame.

    Oh, and The Incredible Hulk sucked.

  4. I'm very aware of your Incredible Hulk hate, thank you.

    Shit, you just described a video game version of Captain America. Obviously, I haven't played the actual video game version, but there's a 70% chance that's how it goes.


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