Friday, November 30, 2012

Not Even Worth Reviewing - Apollo 18 (2011)

So, I just realized I was going to write about Apollo 18 by stumbling upon my draft about it. Since the time I started it months and months ago with nothing but some notes on the film, I've lost all interest in even trying to remember this atrocity. Hence, I've decided to just present them to you pretty much as they were thought up at the time. Lazy? Yes. More than Apollo 18 deserves? Also yes. Don't worry, I'm working on something related but with much more substance to be posted soon, so until then, you'll have to deal with me talking shit, stream-of-consciousness form, about evil moon rocks.

  • wait, apollo 18's mission was to install some tracking shit on the moon so we could monitor the Russians?....

  • only three people....and at least one scene where the camera is panning around, looking at...all three of them

  • taking a subtle background movement (scary alien), showing it again with a giant circle around it, then showing it again, zoomed in and in slow motion makes me less scared and more angry at the editor

  • i think i'd rather be watching moonraker or apollo 13 or moon or red planet or that episode of star trek enterprise that mentions a moon base right now

  • when a joke about a jalapeno dick is a dialogue high-point, there are some problems

  • obviously fake VCR fuzz effects should draw the 18-25 demographic

  • why did none of the other apollo missions encounter ANY of this shit?

  • for a country who wants to spy on the Russians from the moon, they're not doing a terribly good job spying on them from earth if they can launch a fucking space shuttle to the moon without america knowing jack shit

  • horrible, horrible explanation for how the russians could be on the moon:
"how could there be russians on the moon and nobody knows about it?" "we're on the moon and nobody knows about us"

  • why would anyone go off into complete darkness by themselves because they "see something," especially when the situation is full of unknowns and they're, you know, on the fucking moon

  • in said scene, the astronaut's only source of light is, of course, a flash bulb that goes off every 5 seconds or actual light would have sent nasa over budget

  • it took 30:16 for the astronauts to figure out that going to the moon to install listening devices against the Russians is a dumb fucking idea

  • why would martian parasites apparently made out of rock steal an american flag? maybe they lack sufficient cloth material to build their own flag and are jealous of our technology

  • and people criticize paranormal activity for never having anything happen?

THE END (I think I stopped taking notes before the first hour was up. Tough shit.)

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