Blogathon: Movie Jail Relay Race

Darryl from Morally Oblogatory has kindly passed the Movie Jail baton to me, and I can't tell you how excited I am to prosecute the sad sack of flesh you'll see below. But before I get to that, you should know that the Movie Jail Relay Race was started by Nostra from My Filmviews & The Focused Filmographer. The official rules are as such:

Friday Family Fun Night - Lovely Molly and Citadel

Being that I'm married and have a daughter on the way, I'm all about family programming. My wife and I both love horror movies, so I've decided to start making recommendations from my family to yours. If you want some quality entertainment that's fit for you, your significant other, and your 6-year-old son or daughter, all you have to read is my Friday Family Fun Night guide. I've got you covered.

Please Wear This Rodent Helmet with Me - Black Rat (2010)

Black Rat is one of those movies I can't decide if I like or not. I'm pretty sure it's not good, but the bizarreness of it all compelled me to sit through a lot of the bullshit just so I could see how it played out. It's very Japanese, and it's very stupid. It's also absurdly funny in parts, which in hindsight is probably what kept me from turning it off and finding something else to watch.

Let Me Take You to Hell - Valhalla Rising (2009)

Valhalla Rising is an insanely atmospheric, slow-burning, contemplative, and violent story of an escaped slave (Mads Mikkelsen) who makes his way across the ocean in a very bizarre, very bloody journey of redemption(?) and/or fate(?). It's kind of like something out of the repertoire of Terrence Malick or Lars von Trier, only I actually liked it. A lot. It's probably not for everyone, but I dug the hell out of the gorgeous visuals, striking brutality, and methodical nature of the film.

Not Even Worth Reviewing - Apollo 18 (2011)

So, I just realized I was going to write about Apollo 18 by stumbling upon my draft about it. Since the time I started it months and months ago with nothing but some notes on the film, I've lost all interest in even trying to remember this atrocity. Hence, I've decided to just present them to you pretty much as they were thought up at the time. Lazy? Yes. More than Apollo 18 deserves? Also yes. Don't worry, I'm working on something related but with much more substance to be posted soon, so until then, you'll have to deal with me talking shit, stream-of-consciousness form, about evil moon rocks.

Quick, The Rights are About to Expire - Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

I've read that the only reason this movie ever got made was so the Weinsteins could keep their rights to the Hellraiser franchise, and holy shit, I believe that. I absolutely believe that greed and not caring about the people who watch this movie are the culprits to blame for Hellraiser: Revelations existing at all. I just finished it, so I can say, without trepidation, that watching this movie is a futile and boring exercise in stretching my patience beyond reasonable levels.

Come for the Low Budget and Stay for the Demon Rape - Paranormal Entity (2009)

Since I read the review at Man, I Love Films, I knew going into this one that it wouldn't set my world on fire. If you think Paranormal Entity looks like a me-too version of Paranormal Activity, well, son of a bitch, you're a rocket scientist.