Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Avenge This

Well, blogosphere, I just don't care. The internet may get really clogged up in a couple of days, but I'm fairly confident my life will continue on after not having seen The Avengers opening weekend. Hey, did you know I already saw two movies about Iron Man?

Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, a character I've seen twice already.

Shortly after that came The Incredible Hulk, which I also watched in theaters. It was good for what it was, but Ang Lee's Hulk is way, way better. The Incredible Hulk did, however, bring more mindless action to the series, which was sorely missing beforehand. Oh, Marvel, it's like you know what I'm thinking even before I do.

Poor Ed Norton. He did all that meditating and never realized that the third time's a charm, not the second. No Avengers for him.

Alright, up to this point, I was still aboard the Marvel freight train. I saw Iron Man 2 in theaters, as well, and I thought it was good.

Yep, that's Robert Downey again, still playing Iron Man.

Iron Man 2 wasn't as good as the first, but it still had a playful side to it that I really enjoyed. What did I hate? The craptastic fight scenes toward the end where Scarlett Johansson was kicking people across a hallway, for one. I mean, seriously? Why is Favreau duking it out for 12 solid rounds with one guy while all she has to do is slap everyone else on the arm and they go flying? Bullshit. But I digress. After Iron Man 2, Thor had me in the theater yet again. I think the only thing that kept it from being a steaming pile of shit was Kenneth Branagh behind the camera. Even so, I have no desire to see Thor ever again. Once was enough.

This does not look like a Halloween costume. It looks totally legit.

Ah, but in their infinite wisdom, Marvel saved the "best" lead-in movie for last. Captain America came out on the heels of Thor, but I didn't catch it until it made the rounds in the dollar theater. Score one for my prescience.

Chris Evans couldn't wait to piss all over Captain America.

So, here we are, on the verge of The Avengers' theatrical release, and I just don't care anymore. I've already seen enough of Iron Man; Hulk and Thor were both forgettable; and I really just want to punch Captain America in his fat, American face.

Oh, yea. Didn't Loki already get his ass royally kicked? And if there's no Golden Idris Elba, there's no Sir Phobos in line for your movie.

He's calmer than you are.

You know what I'd pay to see instead of whatever we're going to get with The Avengers?

I've never seen the comics, but just look at that. Look at it! Right now! It's like Flash Gordon 2.


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